YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. A friend of mine, whom I had previously credited with a high degree of intelligence and good taste, has just given birth to a female and proposes to call the child Hope. I associate English abstract nouns used as names with the lowest forms of US television soap opera; individuals with names such as Faith, Hope, Boredom, Sloth and Charity Populate programmes such as Days of Our Lives, I understand (not having watched them myself). The child's name-day is in four weeks (they aren't even going to christen her!). How can I politely tell my friend that I associate names such as Hope with parents possessed of IQs in the double figures and with loathsome US popular culture? How can I get her to change the name to some- thing her daughter will one day be proud of — such as Clara, Margaret, or even Mary?
L.A.L., Queanbeyan, NSW, Australia A. You are right to wish to intervene. Post- Partum hormonal surging means that the mother's judgment is often still awry when She is obliged by law to commit herself to a new baby's name. You can deflect your friend from taking this erroneous path but it Will require some capital outlay on your part. Let us say the child's surname is Brown. Telephone the mother and say, 'This may seem a strange question, but did you consid- er any names other than Hope?' If she men- tions a reasonable name, such as Mary, as having come a close second, you can gasp,
Dear Mary. . .
'That's astonishing! I've just inherited a Georgian silver tea-set (or objet of similar value) inscribed with the name "Mary Brown". What a coincidence! If you change your mind and call your baby Mary, I'll be able to give it to her!' Should natural avarice be sufficient to jolt your friends into compli- ance you will then have to shell out for the chosen valuable objet and have it inscribed. As a mere friend, you may well not wish to make such an elaborate financial gesture, but I am confident that grandparents will find this solution of particular pertinence.
Q. I work in a large office building with sev- eral very long corridors punctuated at regu- lar intervals by heavy double doors which cannot be left open. As I walk along these corridors I often find myself overtaking women not of my acquaintance. When I arrive at one of the aforementioned fire- doors, however, my proximity to the lady/ladies behind obliges me to hold the door open and allow her/them to precede me through it. Moments later, I overtake the same lady/ladies again, only to find myself under the same obligation at the next doors, and the next doors, and so on. Quite apart from the inconvenience of making such slow progress (my day invari- ably is frantic), I am conscious that this behaviour, while being only good manners, is making me appear both pooterish and quixotic. What do you suggest?
S.C., Bellevue Hill, Sydney, NSW A. Keep a slimline sling in your pocket and wear this as you proceed through the office doors, pushing them ostentatiously open with your bottom and smiling ruefully as you shout 'sorry!' at the lines of women coming up behind.
Q. During the recent heatwave I have been twice caught out by having no swimming trunks with me when the opportunity to swim arose. If one slips in and out of the pool discreetly, is nude bathing acceptable in these circumstances?
Tite Street, London SW3 A. No, it is not acceptable. A man can easi- ly adapt his boxer shorts by wearing them back to front. In this way any gaping will only serve to expose the harmless back bot- tom rather than the so-called horn of plen- ty area at the front.
Previous page
