YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. A good friend, a respected and scholarly Clergyman, is due to give the sermon at a wedding in the summer. There is anxiety that he will speak not only in scholarly fash- ion (which some will appreciate) but also at great length (which many will not). Directly to set a limit may be very hurtful and could even be forgotten in the warmth of the Peroration. Any ideas, Mary? C. T, address withheld A. Inform your friend in the strictest confi- dence that one of the great-grandmothers Who will be present is terribly anxious about the length of the church proceedings. She can only 'last' for a certain period of time since she is doubly incontinent. Bear- ing this in mind could he make his sermon especially short?
Q. Earlier this month a rather pushy former colleague of mine came to my flat and dis- covered I was in the process of arranging a dinner party. She noted on the list I had stupidly left lying around, the names of three people she lcnows herself and Mime& ately demanded to be invited. I could hardly say no. I have since heard through mutual friends that all six of my other guests are 11°w dreading the evening, either because they already know this person and find her Irritating, or because her reputation has preceded her. (I am fond of her but she is certainly an acquired taste.) Since people are so ruthless about chucking at the last moment these days if they feel they can't face something, I am worried that some of them may do so on the day and I may never get the same elusive cast of characters in the same room again. How can I disinvite Miss P without hurting her feelings?
Name and address withheld A. First preclude chucking by ringing the others on a pretext and casually drop in the news that, sadly, Miss P cannot now attend. 'Such a shame, although I admit she is an acquired taste.' Next, choose a moment when Miss P will be out, then ring her answering service. Leave a message saying that you are no longer having the dinner party after all and, as you start to give the reason why, a friend standing by should start to blow a whistle close to the tele- phone. The maddening sound effects will mean Miss P will be unable to bear even to try to listen to the explanation and, when she rings to get the details 'live', you will of course be unavailable until the moment of danger has passed. When, in the natural course of events, she finds out that the party went ahead, you can say, 'But didn't you get my message? I said I wasn't having the dinner party at eight o'clock, I was hav- ing it at ten and, if I didn't hear from you, I would presume that was too late for you and you wouldn't be able to make it.'
Q. I have a cleaning lady who is getting very bored because my flat is always abso- lutely immaculate and there is never any dust or dirt for her to clean. I dine out practically the whole time and my shirts now go to the laundry so she has virtually nothing to do. For obvious reasons I do not wish to lose this treasure, so how can I afford her some job satisfaction?
A.B., London W8 A. Buy a couple of love birds, which cost about £70 a pair. They will scatter the dis- carded shells of their seed through the bars of the cage over a 15-foot radius on an hourly basis. Your cleaning lady's self- esteem will soon rocket.
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