YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Deaf Mar.
Q. How should a man respond when women — including the wives of his oldest friends — suddenly start openly flirting with him at parties? I know they cannot mean it — my sister quite baldly informs me that I am experiencing something called trophy flirting, which is linked to the fact that I have recently become famous (in a small way). It will almost certainly not last, but in the meantime I would welcome your advice. How can I politely imply reciprocation without enraging an observing husband? It is reasonable to assume that a husband might be equally offended to see another man immune to his wife's charms.
Name and address withheld A. One way of dealing with this is to give intense auditory concentration to the overtures of these women. Look down, gripping your chin, as though struck by the profundity of their chatter. Nod in solemn agreement. In this way, both parties should feel flattered but not threatened. The important thing is to avoid extended eye contact.
Q. With reference to your letter (8 September) regarding a glass of champagne and the problem of clapping, I have a different, if somewhat similar. query, Mary. Having suffered a brain haemorrhage some years ago, which rendered my left hand pretty useless, the right hand does all my work. How, on introduction to a stranger, when holding a glass in my right hand, do I shake hands? Spillage would be desperate were I to place the left hand in charge of my glass.
C. V., Gloucestershire
A. What is needed is a drinks-holding clamp of the type that disgorges from modern car dashboards or clips on to plates at naff buffets. This could be fitted on to a stiff trouser belt, and need look no more protuberant than an elaborate buckle. It would stand by to receive your glass while you were shaking hands, eating, et cetera. As yet, such devices do not exist, but there is heart-warming news for codgers such as yourself. A charity named Remap, staffed by volunteer chartered engineers, exists to fulfil one-off disabled needs, and will knock one up for you free of charge. Simply contact them on 0845 1300456 or at john.wright@remap.org.uk. Other one-off
items knocked up by Remap include a knicker-putting-on device — the knickers spring up to waist-level of their own accord — and a wall bracket that allows people to put on their jackets without raising their arms above heart-level. The commendable Remap costs only £150,000 per year to run, yet makes £3.5 million-worth of equipment available to its users.
Q. My son started at his public school last month, and I hear that his contemporaries are beginning to drink alcohol at parties. My boy has never been interested even in trying wine at home, but I am afraid that he will soon succumb to peer pressure. How can I pre-empt this, Mary? At his age it seems such a waste of money (and brain cells).
Name and address withheld A. Why not trick the dear little chap by taking him out to a Chinese restaurant and insisting he tries saki? One Balham mother has had great success with this ploy. Her son reported that the taste was all too reminiscent of 'hot earwax', and she feels confident that he will not be tempted to try alcohol again for at least another 12 months.
If you have a problem, please write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WCIN 2LL.
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