No. 1208: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a poem offering advice to a young per- son about to get married.

The hook-nosed shadow of Mr Punch delivering his single-word verdict in 1845 'Don't' — brooded over most of this week's entries. The prizes go to those who, positively or negatively, showed the human touch. Eight pounds each to all printed below (will P.B. kindly supply his name?) and the bottle of the Famous Grouse Scotch Whisky to Belle R. Welling.

Marriage is a Rubik cube: There's generally a catch.

The sides may seem quite similar But very seldom match.

Bright and breezy colouring Disguises how it twists: It seems to occupy the hands But often makes them fists.

Notice how it's difficult To learn its subtle art - And yet it is the simplest thing To pull its parts apart.

Children may play games with it, And never let it rest - But in your marriage never be So dreadfully obsessed. (Belle R. Welling) Bride, rule your husband well from the first day - Don't sew, sweep, cook or serve in any way. Leave all the chores to males, who do them best - As all the works of literature attest, Witness Sam Weller, Sancho Panza, Jeeves And Puss-in-Boots, the best of feline thieves. But though you never should wash clothes or dishes, Comply at once with his less irksome wishes Hang naked from the beams or dress in frills, In leather, fur or net, keep up the pills. Make him recall this country at its greatest Was ruled by women, dressed in Britain's latest, Not fools who burned the cakes or lost their heads, Or sired stray bastards in soft feather beds.

(Fiona Pitt-Kethley) There ain't any easy answer To findin' wedded bliss, , Ignore them who tells you diff'rent, But just let me tell you this.

If you'd 'ave asked old Rembrandt 'Ow to paint works of art, The only thing 'e'd 'ave told you Was to pick up your brushes and start.

The same applies to marriage, You learn as it goes along.

It's not givin' up that matters,

Then, son, you won't go far wrong. (V. Ernest C0 From marriage both can have their will, Take what they want, and• pay the bill, Which happily I'm paying still.

Much giving makes a marriage thrive, But how to take as well as give Is part of learning how to live.

Choice is the hardest thing by far, So take my tip: when at the bar Before the priest or registrar Look critically to your right And check that the resulting sight With whom you plan to spend the night Will, after fifteen thousand more, Not have become a tiny bore.

If so, stamp hard upon the floor, Cry out won't!' and find the door.

(Paul Griffin)

Trousers come off after socks.

Buy a diary that locks.

Make love before you wind the clocks. That matters.

Practise strangling farts in bed. Get yourself a garden shed. Ask her what the doctor said. And listen.

Ring her when you want to drink.

Put your ashtray in the sink last thing, and act before you think -

just sometimes. (C. Benfield)

The day that I _married your mother Was the happiest day of her life.

All her subsequent years, she would tell me with tears She knew nothing but sorrow and strife.

Though a fine and intelligent woman, She'd a critical nature, you see.

What she criticised most were my temper, my toast, My income, my morals, and me.

Many Thinkers think Marriage immoral; Few find it Ineffable Bliss.

If I had to advise — which I doubt would be wise - The advice that I'd give would be this: Don't marry a man who's a Gargoyle, A Gangster, a Goof, or a Gay, If marry you must, marry one you can trust Take no notice of no one Who offers you their advice On 'ow to stay 'appily married, 'Cos most of 'em's tried it twice.

To die on the following day.