Country life
Please be nice to me
Leanda de Lisle
I'm supposed to show the Agriculture Minister up, tease him and that sort of thing. Perhaps he'll say something so annoy- ing that I'll develop super powers and do just that. But right now I feel more inclined to fall on my knees and beg him to be nice to me. Not gently-unhook-my-bra nice, you understand, just, don't-make-me- burst-into- tears nice. I did that once, years ago, when I was representing my school in a public speaking competition. I was so nervous that great globular tears began to run down my face as I awaited my turn on the podium. But don't worry, television people, I dried my eyes before I stood up, and just shook a bit. Well, quite a lot actually.
I like to be at the back of the class pass- ing rude notes, rather than pontificating at the front. But there we go. It seems fate has decided to have a bit of fun by casting me as a kind of tweedy Ms Whiplash. A reader recently sent me a photocopy of a cartoon strip from Viz called 'Farmer Palmer'. He or she had gone to great lengths to remain anonymous. A note read- ing, 'You may recognise some of these characters,' had been typed and the address on the envelope had been cut off the same sheet of paper and glued on. But what was it they feared would anger me so much that I might track them down and feed them to the pigs?
The strip was funny and I did recognise the character of the absentee landowner who works in the City. Farming offers such a low return on capital it's not surprising landowners are moving to London. And who buys land now? People who have made money in the towns. Some, like John Humphrys buy themselves a toy farm, oth- ers buy themselves a few acres and keep a pony. Having a place in the countryside is the great English dream and there are many positive aspects to that. But, unfortu- nately, a sympathy with those who have lived and worked here for generations isn't always among them.
The Viz cartoonist appeared to view farmers in much the same way as Victori- ans viewed Africans — as stupid savages manipulated by evil potentates. Farmer Palmer talks in a West Country burr (the modern equivalent of having a bone through your nose). He introduces his son to the landowner saying, 'We be leavin"izz brain fallow thiz yurr, zurr.' But the landowner is interested only in ensuring that Palmer turns up for the Countryside March. 'Your way of life is under threat,' he explains, 'because if you don't go on the March I'll throw you out of your cottage.' This was quite a theme in the newspapers at the time.
Small farmers, agricultural workers and the like, are considered too backward to have any understanding of their real best interests which appear to be insolvency, fol- lowed by a life on an urban estate. By a happy chance, this would free-up a number of attractive rural properties that are sup- posedly best appreciated by lawyers, bankers, journalists and politicians. Such patronising and bullying attitudes do infuri- ate me. But they don't make me want to beat anyone up. I believe, naively perhaps, that politicians want to do the right thing. If I hoped to do anything it would be to help them find out what that is. But unlikely mar- riages do seem to work best in dreams.
It's the same in bed - he just lies back and thinks of England.'
Previous page
