Davie Astor's problem corner

AFTERTHOUGHT JOHN WELLS

The Observer Magazine, incorporating Left- Wing Knitting and Liberal Muscle Man, has been taking a longer and longer look in recent weeks at the role of the scantily clad and nude pin-up in the service of science, medicine and circulation-boosting. The campaign, launched by its editor, Mr John Thompson, under the personal direction of the proprietor, Mr David Astor, was intended to win the magazine more broadly based support, appealing to middle- aged and older women of all three sexes. One dramatic forthcoming development, of which we are privileged to print a brief preview, is a special page bearing a sepia photograph of Mr Astor sucking a fountain pen. Here, week by week, he will bring his shrewd business acumen and solid common sense to bear on personal problems raised by readers in their letters. The page will be headed with the italicised title 'Dear Dark . .

Dear Davie,

As a happily married mother of three lovely grown-up men I have learned over the years to reconcile myself to my husband's waning physi- cal appetites. He is now in the eventide of life —he will be eighty-one Dv next birthday—and a time when the hurricane-raging forest-fire inferno of our connubial passion must inevit- ably smoulder down to that tiny glowing spark that is called plutonic love.

Judge, then, of my surprise, last evening, when after an afternoon spent studying a back- number of your magazine which had come into the house wrapped round a bouquet of fresh- cut flowers sent to us by the Darby and Joan Club and which contained an article entitled 'The Conception of a Baby in Full Colour,' Ernest, my husband, flung aside his rugs, sprang trembling to his feet, his eyes ablaze with un- wonted interest and affection. and extinguishing the light had his way with me in no uncertain

fashion. His somewhat incoherent references, inter alia, to a Mademoiselle Bardot made me think that his mind had become unhinged. I wonder whether you could tell me if any other readers Of your periodical have encountered the same symptoms? 'Battered,' Ealing.

Davie writes: The 'Observer 'Magazine' is a dynamic, exciting and controversial picture paper, and its pictures may well have unfortu- nate side-effects on persons of a nervous or easily excitable disposition. One remedy sug- gested in cases of severe shock or undue sexual excitement is a few minutes' reading of the text: this almost always has a calming effect and in ninety-nine out of a hundred cases induces immediate natural sleep.

Dear Davie, As a fellow naturalist, may I convey to you my sincerest congratulations on your art study of the nubile female nude which appeared under the title 'The Common Cold: Anatomy of a Malady.' I thought it most tasteful.

My girlfriend, Doris (39-17-45), and aged nineteen, is also a keen naturist and for some years studied posing under the late Professor Karl Nadler of Brunswick University. She has already been featured in such publications as Health and Efficiency and Rampage, and would, I know, be most interested in appearing in the pages of your esteemed magazine.

I have just completed a series of sophisticated studies of Doris in unusual positions, modelling various 'kinky' accessories in sylvan surround- ings. They would, I am convinced, be entirely in keeping with the tasteful nature of your paper, and would seem to me to be ideally suited to the illustration of articles on travel, leisure, cancer of the breast or gardening. She might even—who knows—find her place in the overtly commercial context of one of your admirable cigar advertisements. Looking for- ward to hearing from you at your convenience. Victor Willey (Mr), Neasden.

Davie writes: Sorry, Victor. but the 'Observer Magazine' is a dynamic, exciting and controver- sial picture paper, and as you can imagine we have a team of talent scouts combing nude photographers the world over and grabbing hold of anything they can lay hands on. Send us your work by all means. hut the competition is red-hot.

Dear Davie, At age fourteen I suffer from chronic acne, obesity and flat feet and my fancy has not yet lighted upon a marriage partner who has proved responsive to my advances. After studying your eight-page feature on marital compatibility— 'Your Marriage Drama in the Stars' (April '68) —I saw my own characteristics most clearly reflected in 'Max,' the fictitious thirty-seven year old latent heterosexual suffering from the Man Next Door Syndrome. As such I was re- commended to seek the hand of `Vera' the forty-seven year old lesbian mother of four entrapped in the toils of a Fairy Tinkerbell Complex. By a strange twist of fate, the photo- grapher's model employed to portray `Vera' was my mother, Mrs Laetitia Simms. Am I to assume that Oedipus-style incest is my only hope of marital happiness? `Puzzled,' Croydon.

Davie writes: Do not despair, 'Puzzled,' re- member that the 'Observer Magazine' is a dynamic, exciting and conttoversial picture paper and that it can only act as a guide in such matters. You must follow your own heart, `Puzzled.'

Dear Davie, Since the publication last week in your maga- zine of the double-page illustration in diagram form of the male reproductive organs, my wife Priscilla has spiced her conversation with satiri- cal observations of a salacious nature which lead me to suspect she is poking fun at me. Is the publication of such intimate data in the pubic interest? E. F. `Chalky' White, Plymouth.

Davie writes: Reality, Mr White, is rarely dynamic, exciting or controversial. Why not explain to Mrs White man to man that the 'Observer Magazine's' 'larger than life' pre- sentation is based on this premise and not in- tended to portray life 'as it really is.'

Davie Love, Adored the snap of model boy Brendan in your feature on 'The Long Distance Lorry Drivers.' Any chance of a blow-up? Bryan and Percy, Islington.

Davie writes: Certainly not. What do you think the 'Observer Magazine' is?