DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
SUNDAY Just had an absolute nightmare setting up one of those conference calls. Jed thought it would be nice if Dave rang Mrs Palin to wish her luck. Simple enough you might think. Oh no. First of all he had to explain who he was. Literally. As in ‘Hello this is David Cameron.’ ‘Who, honey?’ ‘David Cameron, the leader of the Conservative party.’ ‘The whaaaat?’ ‘The British Conservative party.’ Then there was all this shrieking and giggling: ‘Oh my gaaad! What show am I on now? Are you from the BB of C? Is this Ronald Brand? Is Jolyon Ross on the line? Oh my gaaaaaaad! I just love you crazy Brits! Benny Hill, right? Too much! We should go hunting foxhounds together!’ In the end we had to put the phone down. It’s a shame we haven’t managed to wish them luck before they get beaten. But I suppose it’s the thought that counts.
MONDAY The office looks lovely with all the blue bunting. What a stroke of luck that blue is for Democrats. It means we can get into the spirit of Mr Obama’s great victory, but if any visitors come into the office we say it’s just showing support for the Tory candidate in the Glenrothes by-election. Whoever he is! Everyone v nervous about the result. (In America, not Glenrothes, obviously.) We’ve had to prepare for all eventualities of course. We have a Plan B dossier of evidence to show why Dave is a neocon and always has been. Let’s hope we don’t have to deploy it! That would be so disappointing. The last thing Dave needs is an ally spouting about tax cuts and hunting rights and drilling for oil. Dear oh dear! No, what we Compassionate Conservatives want is some good old-fashioned Democrat common sense. ‘It’s Time for a Change! It’s Time for a Novice!’ — as our new slogan will soon say (unless Mr McCain wins in which case — ‘Britain First! Straight Talk from Dave!’). TUESDAY
Have been reading Dunky’s Democrats, a handy guide to our new allies. It says the Democrats are the party of workers, unions and ethnic minorities; they oppose unregulated business and finance, and favour progressive income taxes. How cool is that! Could they be any more like us?!
I do hope we don’t have to listen to any more lectures about the voting process though. Sat through two-hour presentation by Wonky Tom about something called the Electoral College. Have more important matters to worry about. Namely which election night party to go to. Bev has invited me to Mr Mandelson’s Tex Mex bash which sounds like it might be fun — nachos and guacamole. On the other hand there’s Surf ’n’ Turf ’n’ Champers here at CCHQ. So it’s swings and roundabouts. I didn’t get invited to Dave’s own personal gathering back at the ranch, which I believe Poppy had something to do with organising and is being billed as ‘Obama an’ lasagne’. Can’t say it excites me.
WEDNESDAY Should never have gone to Mandy’s party. The big joke was that it wasn’t guacamole, it was mushy peas. I must be allergic to mushy peas. Spent entire night with my head down toilet. I feel like my whole system has been poisoned. Who on earth heard of mushy pea dip? Great result for us, obviously. Woo-hoo, and all that. I suppose it could have been the beer? Going back to bed. God bless America.
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