Me in Who's Who? Until I see the 2008 edition, I'll assume it's a hoax
TOBY YOUNG When the letter anived last April I thought it was a joke. 'Dear Sir,' it began. 'On behalf of the publishers A & C Black I am very pleased to invite you to compile an entry for the forthcoming edition of Who's Who . . .'
Was this a cruel prank being perpetrated by the editors of the Guardian's G2 section? In a couple of weeks' time, the 'entry' I had submitted would appear alongside those of other 'luminaries' they had gulled into playing along such as Jordan and Vernon Kay. This unforgivable act of vanity would then haunt me for years to come, with my father-in-law producing the article every Christmas Day and reading out the 'entry' to my extended family. After much hilarity, he would return the article to his pocket and say, 'Maybe next year, Tobes.'
The obvious thing to do was call up A & C Black and check, but as I began to dial I suddenly had a temlle thought. What if the letter was genuine? My query — Is this real or some sort of hoax?' — might result in immediate disqualification. Presumably, no person worthy of the honour would doubt the veracity of the letter. Consequently, if I asked the question, the editors might think twice about including me.
The safest course was to proceed as if the invitation was real. But what to put in my entry? I knew from experience that such things are fraught with danger. While an undergraduate at Oxford I was invited to appear in a rival work of reference because my father had recently been ennobled. He was only made a life peer, but the frock-coated elves who compile this 'definitive guide to the British aristocracy' don't distinguish between bogus 'Hons' like myself and the real thing. I laboured over my entry, hoping to strike just the right note of devil-may-care insouciance. Under 'recreations' I put liberal-baiting.
It wasn't until the following term when I bumped into a bona fide 'Hon' at the Cheese and Wine Appreciation Society that I realised my mistake. 'I saw your entry,' he said, referring to the guide in question. 'I can't believe you actually bothered to fill out the questionnaire I always throw them straight in the bin.'
The next day I popped into Blackwell's and leafed through the latest edition. Sure enough, the only respondents who had fleshed out their entries were the non-hereditaries, with the longest ones belonging to the sons of life peers. My own potted biography occupied four times as much space as the Duke of Devonshire's.
I immediately wrote to the publishers and asked if I could revise my entry to make it look as though I had never submitted a response in the first place. I received a somewhat formal reply notifying me that I would be sent a proof of my entry before the next edition went to press and if I wanted to amend it, that would be the appropriate time to do so. It duly an-ived several months later and I crossed out everything I'd included the previous year.
When it comes to Who's Who, there's no corresponding taboo. Entrants are included on merit, after all, so it makes sense to list your achievements. The question is, how much detail to go into? According to the accompanying letter, Who's Who is a 'standard reference book... used by academics, researchers, business people, government officials and charities'. But would they be interested in the fact that I came runnerup in a drawing competition held by Nova magazine when I was eight? Probably not I didn't want to commit the faux pas that Barbara Cartland was guilty of and include all my published works. Her entry ended up being one of the longest in the history of Who's Who.
Then there's the vexed question of what to list under 'recreations'. The key here is to be neither too whacky — the editor of the Bilmingham Mail includes 'eating pork scratchings' among his hobbies — nor too prolix. For instance, I think it was probably a mistake for the theatre director Rufus Non-is to list 'pride, self-doubt, harassing my wife, being harassed by my children' and 'talking incessantly to myself in extreme dialects'. On the other hand, 'reading', 'walking', 'travel' and 'music' are just too dull. Eventually, I settled on 'food and drink'.
I haven't yet seen a copy of Who's Who 2008 so I still don't know whether the letter was genuine. I fear it was not Every time I open the Guardian I expect to see an article headlined: 'Who's Kidding Who?' Beneath that will be the following standfirst: 'We sent a bogus letter to some of the county's biggest non-entities informing them that they had been selected for inclusion in the latest edition of Who's Who. See their hilarious "entries" below.'
Toby Young is associate editor of The Spectator.
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