YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
F. F. Spennithome, Yorks.
A. One unusual present — which is not available in toy shops — is a device called a nightingale. This imitative instrument, as used in the Toy Symphony of Haydn, can still be purchased at specialist music shops such as Boozey and Hawkes. On blowing it will produce a pleasing if slightly shrill war- bling note, suggestive of the nightingale's song. Eventually, of course, its sound will act as a type of Chinese torture to those Within regular earshot. By effecting this punishment on your godson's parents, you will be able to gain a discreet pleasure. If challenged you will have the additional sat- isfaction of being able to say 'But it was the only toy he hadn't already got.'
Q. We have recently had a rights of way warden open a long forgotten footpath Q. I ani'at my wit's end trying to think of a birthday present for a godson of four who, much to my disapproval, already has every- thing under the sun. His parents are incul- cating him with consumerism. Can you sug- gest something I might get which, without being too schoolmarmy about it, could con- vey my disapproval for the excesses of his toy cupboard?
which crosses our land very close to the house. This has infuriated my husband who now patrols it obsessively, lecturing hapless ramblers on their rights, their dogs and the country code. Unfortunately the conspicu- ous signpost has attracted a new breed of militant rambler, who seems to relish these agrarian arguments and inflames my hus- band still further. I am finding his Basil Fawltyism emotionally exhausting. What should I do?
M. W. Wilts.
A. Most walkers are harmless types who stick to footpaths religiously. However to distract your husband from the immediate annoyance of the new breed of militant rambler, why not suggest that he excavate, quite legally, several 'mantraps' in the field in question but at some distance from the path. These should be four or five feet deep
and will soon fill up with water after which they may be covered with a camouflage of sticks and vegetation similar to those used in the book Rogue Male by Geoffrey Household. Your husband can then redi- rect his energies as the sight of approaching ramblers will begin to fill him with anticipa- tion rather than rage.
Q. At social functions, how should I intro- duce the lady with whom I am having an illicit affaire? Nowadays if you say 'This is my mistress' people are quick to assume that you have set up home together, which is very far from the case. I can hardly call her 'my bimbo' since she is well struck in years and extremely ill-favoured.
F.P. (full name and address withheld).
A. As most people with active brains have heard and seen enough explicit details about physical intimacy to last them a life- time, many now crave a respite from the constant bombardment of references to this subject. It is therefore preferable for you to be non-specific about the exact nature of your liaison with this lady when introducing her, though you could wear a mysterious facial expression. If pressed for further details, you may release them if so inclined.
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