12 YEAR OLD

ISCOTCH WHISKY n Competition No. 1692 you were in- vited to present a curriculum vitae from an eager, entirely unsuitable candidate for a responsible post.

One of the few good things about war is that it tends to replace CV nonsense with VC reality. In 1941 a hush-hush man, recruiting potential code-breakers to work at Bletchley, approached the headmaster of Rugby and said he wanted their cleverest boy. 'Too bad for you,' said the headmaster: 'He writes superb Virgilian hexameters, but his maths are only aver- age.' I'll take him,' said the man in the bowler hat. And so my brother helped to crack many a German secret. My own first interview for a job was with a publisher who had been parachuted into occupied France. He never asked me where I'd been to school or university or what academic qualifications I had, we talked for an hour about the weather, and books, possibly about shoes and sealing-wax, but definitely not about ships or kings, and he learned I

COMPETITION CV Jaspistos

was a pacifist. I was hired. Later, as a publisher, I copied his technique, adding my own 'Managua test'. After a relaxed conversation about anything but books, I would suddenly ask, 'By the way, do you know what the capital of Nicaragua is?' 'Just a minute, it's on the tip of my tongue, Santa . . . something' got no points. Hear- ty laughter and silence got three points. The correct answer, in those days, scared me so much that I only awarded nine points. The ten-point answer was, 'No, but I could look it up in a moment.'

The winners, printed below, get £18 each, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky goes to R. G. Pringle.

12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

Dear Mrs (?!) Wirz, I am terrificly excited about your ad in The Lady and do hope I can be your au pair. I want to see all of Europe and Basil being more or less in the middle would be a super place to start. Also Switzerland is 700 years old this year which is wonderful and being the home of the Red Cross feeding the ethiopians and other starving coun- tries you must all be very kind people.

I am 17, 5'9", blonde (mostly!) and my friends call me Melons. Afraid no GCSEs (measles at exam time!) but I am a wizard with the microwave and really love children. I speak Welsh already so learning another language shouldn't be a problem. I can even yodel a bit already!

Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Yours truly, Myfanwy Evans PS. Is there anywhere I could keep a horse? (R.G. Pringle) This CV is attached in support of my application for the post of Senior Bursar.

1978: City and Guilds in Catering, Walsall College of Technology 1978-79: Road Manager for The Running Sores (musical ensemble) 1979-81: Asssistant Supervisor, MacDonalds. Three Junior Golden Arch Awards for user- friendly customer interaction. 1981 (June-July): Trainee maitre d'hotel, The Four Seasons 1981 (August-September): Trainee sommelier, Berni Inns 1981 (October): Waiter, The Golden Cod 1982-83: Freelance financial adviser 1985-86: Temporary Civil Servant, Department of Employment 1986-87: Security Guard (experience with sever- al firms) 1987 (December): Postal delivery operative (temporary) 1987-88: Commission agent for home insulation and weatherproofing 1988-90: Owner and manager of elite 'niche' retail accessories outlet, The Chic Boutique 1990 (May-November): Canteen assistant, Bur- tons.

I am at present taking time out to consider my future, but feel that the wealth and variety of my experience qualifies me amply for the position

which 1 am seeking with you.

(Basil Ransome-Davies) Application for post as Air Traffic Controller, Gatwick Name: Peter Lane-Cumming Age: 25 Qualifications: BA (Hons) Trigonometry, Univ. of L'Ife (first class) Spanish language proficiency certificate (level 3) Present position: Flight simulator Controller, Alton Towers Previous positions: 1988-89 British Rail controller/announcer, Barnstaple 1989-90 Royal Mail auxiliary controller 1990-91 press officer, BCCI Recreations: Secretary, Dan Dare appreciation society; reading fiction, esp. Thomas Hardy, Arthur Halley etc. Computer gaming (Commodore C64 champion score in Aerial series!) Poker; Airfix Modellers' Association; CB radio; Esperanto.

Personal statement: Ever since a young man, I have loved pilots and their work, and would love to make things happen for them and their cargoes. I regularly watch small screens, and am conversant with radar and sonar. I keep a cool head in a crisis, as each of the enclosed

testimonials proves. (Em L. Wel!bilge)

Hi, my name is Una (from the Latin one) Frobisher. My father was a Hun, my mother an Italic! My astral sign says I'm one of those people who is very Me. Someone who looks equally upon happiness and distress. I skipped a lot of school but made it to LSE (a Third in African Studies and Environmental Politics). My first and only job was secretary to His Divine Grace A. D. Bhalci-rasamrod-mughu, founder of the London branch of Visnu Consciousness — a great man. Why do I want a job as a BBC weather forecaster? I enjoy rain and clouds and wind. I like speaking and ad hocery. My interests are yoga, marzipan sculpture and the art and politics of Vanessa Redgrave. My favourite people are Peter Snow, Keith Water- house, Phileas Fogg and the Weathermen (espe- cially their bass player Iggy). Sorry, I've run out