No. 1265: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were invited to write a poem entitled On First Looking Into the Telephone Directory.

A good, big entry, with an impressive variety of angles of approach. 'Mendel, thou should'st be living at this hour! The fountainhead is father to the shower' ex- claimed J. M. Sowerby, appalled by 'a thousand sordid heirs of Eliot' and 'Nor- thamptonfuls of silent Clares'. Poppy Pratt was more enthusiastic:

I chose at random a green, broken-spined Copy of L-R — a treasure trove!

How glad I was to curl up and unwind. I let my starved imagination rove, Moved now to tears, now laughter. At last, blind, I laid it by. But what a read, by Jove!

Jermyn Thynne, Ginger Jones, Joyce Johnson, Mary Holtby and Richard Pro- byn were all nearly in the money, which is divided (£8 apiece) among the six winners below. The last bonus bottle of this batch of Pedro Domecq's Carlos III Selected Brandy goes to Basil Ransome-Davies. My congratulations to him and my grateful thanks to Pedro Domecq for their friendly support.

With nervous hands I open A to D:

What secrets will it yield to my inspection?

An opening enigma faces me.

It's 001 Anglia Trade Protection.

Aha! This outfit duns for cash that's due back.

Sure, debt-collecting is their little game.

But what have they to do with Joseph Dzuback, The volume's final, Stalinoidal name?

Next, E to K begins with El Factors.

I vaguely feel I must have heard of them.

Perhaps they ship to Russia ploughs and tractors, Via their agent, Kyvernites, M.

Through L to R my fingers riffle faster;

There's some code here, mysterious and Red,

And S to Z reveals its hidden master -

The cool and double-bluffing Zzitz, Z.Z.

(Basil Ransome-Davies) What philosophic gems I comb From the rich ore of this Great Tome - All Life's needs and aspirations Listed in Abbvns From Chns Ftwr, Gen Strs, Tbcnsts, Solrs, Scp Mtl Mchts, Drvng Schs, To Gdn Pds & Swmg Pls; Stnrs, Prntrs & Engvrs, Hrdsrs, Elec Shvrs, Vet Surgs, Auctnrs, Htg & Plmg Engrs; Bldrs, Gts Outftrs, Mtr Crvns & Trlrs, Off Clnrs, Btchrs, Bkrs - And, at last, the Undtkrs. (W. F. N. Watson)

When in the pages of the A-D, I seek a number that I wish to dial,

I am distracted by the names I see, And sit in meditation for a while.

Was this the Armstrong whom I knew at Caius?

If I were Boggitt, I would change the name. Does Joseph Cheddar (Grocers) sell his cheese?

Miss Betty Bawdy — is she on the game?

I people novels with these names I find, As, we are told, young Dickens used to do;

I've almost written Andrew Clatterbind

Ere midnight chimes and, startled, I come to.

I sit here dreaming when I'm all alone, Until I find it's much too late to 'phone. (E. 0. Parrott)

Much have I travelled in the realms of GOLD:

Drinking Gold Label at the Golden Spade; On many Golden Beaches have I played, And Golden Fries and Golden Chips been sold; But never have I seen them all enrolled, From Gold A. C. through Goldberg, South Parade,

To Golden Rail and Goldthorpe (Lemonade), Golds alphabetical and manifold.

Now feel I like some tycoon of the west Or like some wealthy sheik who jealously Thinks of the goods his neighbours have possessed And knows how much there is he will not see, Awaits his Rolls, and lets his musings rest Silent, upon a pique in UAE.

(Paul Griffin)

We've often been to Reg and Jenny's place, They have a potted bay tree by the door, It's number forty-two or twenty-four,

And the curtains have an edge of drooPY lace'

I looked in my address book — not a trace. I think their surname's either Cairns or Clore Or Clarke or Khan — I never have been sure.

Then I remembered that in such a case People consult directories for the name. The hotel porter chose one out of many,

My fingers walked until all eight went lame,

I was entranced. I laughed! There wasn't anY Page without some delight. My oldest flame Was there ... I lost all interest in Jenny.

(J. C. M. HePPle)

When first I chanced to take a look At that most fascinating book I started playing little games With all the host of people's names.

I found a Foot, a Knee, a Brain, A Hand, a Legg, a Tooth, a Pain, A Pegg, a Staple, Wire and Hook, A Mead and Meadows, Field and Brook, A Hill, a Mountain, Moore and Fenn, A Duck and Drake, a Cock and Henn, A Sparrow, Swallow, Rook and Lark, A Dawn, a Day, both Light and Dark, A Hinge, a Bolt, a Key, a Lock, A Gunn, with Barrell, Trigger, Stock. If all this fills your mind with doubt Just get the book and search them out. . S1n"i'l . S1n"i'l