Television
The news from Naples
Wendy Cope
Anight of thrilling, enthralling, seesaw football,' said the commentator. Jolly good. 'A fabulous night of thrilling football, right up to the final whistle.' OK. can we have the news now? No such luck. The match between England and the Cameroons was just ending when I switch- ed on (World Cup 90, ITV, Sunday) but there was a fair bit of football talk to sit through before we were allowed to know what else was going on in the world. We heard about Michelle Lineker's reaction to the England victory (she was very pleased) and we learned how the commentators themselves were feeling: 'I think relief just about sums it up.'
After a commercial break, we came back for an update on the commentators' emo- tions: 'Relief has given way to happiness.' That's wonderful. Can we have the news now? No, not just yet. First we had to watch highlights of the match, with 'Land of Hope and Glory' on the soundtrack.
When ITN News finally came on the air the lead story was the fabulous night of thrilling, enthralling football. A couple of items further on, Prince Charles emerged from hospital with his arm in a sling. After that came a report from Germany, where the border guards had left their posts for the last time and people had been injured in the rush to get hold of deutschmarks. It seemed a strange order of priorities but perhaps that's because I don't appreciate the historical significance of sport.
On The $64,000 Question (ITV, 7 p.m., Friday), a nice young woman from Ealing answered questions about Tottenham Hotspur. 'Tottenham Hotspur's home ground is called Whitewash Lane. True or false?' That was the question. It's a good format, beginning, as it does, with things that any fool knows, progressing to questions that one might be able to manage (though not if they're about football), and eventually reaching a level where only an expert has a chance.
My family used to watch the old version of this programme when I was quite small. I remember getting very worked up about it, experiencing acute distress when a contestant dropped out, and extravagant joy if someone won the big prize. Putting the contestant in a soundproof box for the last two questions did quite a bit to build up the tension. It isn't a mere box any more — it's called 'the insulator' and it descends from a spaceship amidst streams of dry ice. A young man got into the insulator on Friday to answer questions about horror movies. He failed. It was a shame, but these things are a lot less upsetting to watch when you're grown-up.
The highlight of last week's viewing was Emily Dickinson's appearance in thirty- something (Channel 4, 9 p.m., Saturday). Gary has taken a job teaching modern American poetry but he has a problem: he finds the work of Emily Dickinson com- pletely incomprehensible. In Saturday's episode he lay down on the sofa and had one of those ridiculous thirtysomething dreams. Emily stood by his window, arranging some wild flowers. Dressed in a white high-necked gown, she looked much prettier than she does in her portrait.
'Could you explain this to me?' asked Gary. 'You wrote it.'
'Look, dummy,' she might well have replied, 'If you can't even understand me, how are you going to manage when you get to John Ashbery?' But she didn't. She gave him a little lecture about his attitude to life. And when Gary woke up, he felt much, much better.
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