No. 1227: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for an imaginary dialogue between an English queen and an intruder into the royal bedchamber.

Someone in Private Eye accepted my challenge last week, but he wouldn't have won a prize off me. Among the least ex- pected of your named intruders were Percy Shelley pressing a copy of Queen Mab on Queen Charlotte, Stan o' the Gate, an early British pacifist, trying to persuade Boadicea to collaborate, and Charlie Haughey in search of a hot tip from the royal stables. Surprisingly, no appearance was made by Willie Hamilton. Sherlock Holmes emerged decisively from beneath the bed as Victoria was about to tuck into a terrine: 'For the Empire's sake don't touch it, Ma'am, or you'll blow the lot of us sky-high!' Nine pounds each to the winners printed below in historical order.

Q: Unbed thee, saucy sirrah!

I: I seek but to converse and set the time free from tediousness.

Q: Why must thy tediousness disturb my time of sleep? I lay but now in Morpheus' arms. I: Pardon, lady, I saw him not. I had thought to find a solitary and virgin Queen.

Q: Thou art a Greekless, witless knave. Dost thou assail my solitude and my virginity? I: The former only, gentle madam. I crave a boon. 'Tis bruited abroad that Ralegh, late from the Indies, hath brought a fragrant plant whose conflagration gratifies the nostrils.

Q: Rumour hath wronged thee. The vile potato pleaseth neither nose nor eye.

I: Nay, 'tis a leaf I crave and not a root. Q: Ah, now I know thy fumous want! Straight from the neighbour chamber, where Essex lies exhausted, I'll fetch thee one.

(D. P. M. Michael) 1: Psst!

Q: Is that you, John Brown? Declare yourself.

Ich bin ein — oops — I am an admirer, Ma'am.

Q: Albert!

I: Yes, Victoria, your loving Albert.

Q: Go back to your room. It would not be seemly

for a lady-in-waiting to find you here.

I: I am your consort. What is the use of a consort

unless you consort with him occasionally?

Q: There are nine good reasons I can think of

why you should withdraw.

1: But, Victoria, on a point of ardour ... Q. You address me as though I were a public meeting.

1: 1 wish to make a proposal.

Q: And l have to rise early tomorrow to open Parliament. Go to your room, you look ridiculous in that nightshirt.

I: It is my new one. I hoped it might put you in the mood.

Q: We are not aroused.

(V. Ernest Cox)

1: Don't be scared, your Majesty.

Q: Who are you?

I: I don' mean no 'arm, your Majesty.

Q: Your skirt is very badly torn.

I: It was gettin' over those railings.

Q.. Who are you?

I: I'm Mrs Smith. I live in Bromley.

Q: Bromley?

I: 1 can talk to you, your Majesty. You'll understand. Your 'usband's doin' same as what mine is. My 'usband — 'e wants to 'ave 'is fun outside and then 'e comes 'ome and complains of the kippers. I don' mean no disrespec', I'm not sayin' anything about that Mrs Kipper — your spot of trouble.

Q: My good woman, Mrs Keppel and I are on

perfectly good terms.

I: Oh, your Majesty, it's just what people say. I thought as 'ow Mrs Kipper ...

Q: If you really want my advice, Mrs Smith, remain on good terms with your husband's friend. It pays in the end. (Roger Woodhouse) Wakey, wakey! Who have we here? Let's let in a drop of daylight ... as we let ourselves in, eh! Why, the very person. Listen, Mrs — I mean Ma'am, no disrespect intended — the wife's done a bunk with me kids.

Q: I'm so sorry.

I: Damian, Samantha, Damaris, baby Diana, four, like your own .

Q: What nice names! Trouble can visit any home, and often when least expected.

I: Philip ever scarpered with your sprogs, then? Still, I s'pose between Anne and Princess Margarine, as the wife calls her, you've tasted more trouble than take-away dinners.

Q: Would you mind waiting next door while I get up?

I: Never mind me! I'm not shy. Nor's the wife. If she was here, she'd be giving you a tip or two on negleejays! Spare a fag?

Q: Certainly. I'll call for a packet ...

(Alex Campbell) Q: At last!

I: Sorry I'm late, Ma'am. The Commander wanted to show me his etchings. Now, how do you want this done? Should I tie you up? Q: No, thank you. Just have a seat. The mere fact that you've got into my bedroom should provoke enough scandal.

I: Okey-doke.

Q: If the Saatchis are right, this should work even better than the blank shots business at last year's Trooping the Colour. Have you arranged everything with the newspapers?

1: Yup. My wife's revelations will appear first, I'll stir things up at the trial and then I'll keep the leaks pouring out from prison. The story should run for months.

Q: Good.

1: I've even fixed the Spectator and NS competitions to cover it.

Q: Just so long as there's plenty of publicity for me. I'm going to upstage that Spencer girl if it's the last thing I do.

(Ewan Smith)