No. 1 312: The winners '1,asPistos reports: Competitors were asked IM description

of conduct unbecoming to either a lady or a gentleman. Perhaps the greatest fictional 'anti- gentleman' was Beachcomber's immortal CaPtain Foulenough, who, I seem to remember, was once discovered, when the ho Hainwent up on a multi-tiered country- use tableau vivant of kilted young ladies, the bottom row, swigging a bottle of stnut, and escaped, as always, whistling his pPatkinure tune 'Flossie's the Girl for Me'. In 111 teg the winners I allowed my own Pre' dices free rein and of course excluded ex- :111Ples which wrung my own withers — such as shutting the front door before IteParting guests have taken more than five er's down the path. Andrew McEvoy, as a card for his alphabetical acrobatics, gets n.° as well as the bonus bottle of Califor- D4111 Fume Blanc 1981 (Robert Mondavi), CreSented by Mr Neville Abraham of the

des Amis du Vin, 11 Hanover Place,

.V and Garden, London WC2 (379 3444), the other winners take £2 per item. rrilhoerse days it is for you to decide which sex listedfrequently e fr y commits the errors of taste Cen •n things one just doesn't do, does one? assinate spiders in baths. Break wind in the 1Pany of archbishops. Copulate in Royal cz-arks, Drink Corsican sherry. Eat faggots th0, dgems mushy peas. Fasten seat-belts in " Go to Benidorm. Heckle Screaming utch. /nquire whether potential bed-mates eh e herPes, Juggle with plovers' eggs. olnei8hbours' cats. Lie unprofitably. Muddle et and Manet. Nobble the Jockey Club. basins Income Tax demands. Pee in hosts' wash- s-u:s' Question God. Read the TV Times. shi-c111 off OAPs' petrol. Tout VALA member- kir. Understand monetarism. Video-record Bo sr Harty. Wear jodhpurs in bed. Xerox the down of Revelation. Yodel in taxis. Zig-zag the m6.

(Andrew McEvoy) McEvoy) Belonging to the Order of Buffaloes in Everton and putting OBE after your name.

Including more than one foreign coin in contributions to the church collection.

When being treated at the VD clinic, naming as contacts those who spurned your advances. (George Moor) Completing the crossword in your host's newspaper before he has seen it.

Keeping a record of what each person in a restaurant eats and drinks in order to work out the exact amount owing for a shared meal.

Hitting a parked car and attaching a note to the windscreen saying, 'Witnesses think I am leaving my name and address.' (V. Ernest Cox) Heightening, by pretended stupefaction, the embarrassment of someone who has by a word revealed unremarkable ignorance.

Peering round the shoulder of the person at the head of the bank queue and closely observing the transaction.

Standing with hand in trouser pocket during Evensong, rattling keys and raising and lowering heels to an unheard, inner drumbeat. (Paul Wigmore)

Saying 'Good evening t' you' or, worse, 'A very good evening t' you'.

Referring to parents by their christian names.

Providing a choice of toilet paper. ' (J. H. M. Donald) Lighting a pipe while proposing marriage. Drawing a faint line to mark the whisky bottle level.

Talking about computers in mixed company. (Gerry Hamill) Testing the temperature of a drink with your finger.

Drawing attention to the pattern on your pyjamas.

Spitting on a journalist without first being spat upon. (Llewellin Berg)

Capping or improving another person's joke, however mangled in the telling.

Admitting to loving one's wife. (Gerard Benson) Belonging to Mensa. (D. B. Jenkinson) Upsetting your glass and appropriating your host's while he mops up. (C.P.F.)