COMPETITION

Wislonry

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1645 you were in- vited to imagine A. N. Wilson at work interviewing an octogenarian celebrity of the past.

Most of you put the interviewer through a tougher time than his quarry. The luck- less Wilson was savaged by Landor, raved at by George III, monosyllabically stonewalled by Thomas Hardy, fallen asleep on by both Abraham and Gladstone, corrected in blank verse by Aeschylus ('You scan it wrongly; it is Marath6n), outfoxed by even Wordsworth (`Speak up, young man — into my ear-trumpet and not at the cuckoo clock!'), and repeatedly told by the Duke of Wellington to publish and be damned. Oliver Knox set his scene nicely 'I fingered my Principia Mathemati- ca and coughed. Unnervingly, the budger- igar stayed perched on Russell's head. All through our breakfast he crumbled his bread roll into little pellets; I counted 100 of them altogether' — but declined after that.

The five prizewinners printed below larAS REG.

12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

earn /15 each, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky goes to D. R. Griffin for his grotesque scene at Spandau.

Let me add that I have no objection to awarding the bonus bottle to the same person more than once. If duplication hasn't recently occurred, it has nothing to do with a desire on my part to spread the loot evenly.

Self: So after 40 years in Spandau you've had time to reflect on the Thousand Year Reich, then?

Hess: You might say we've suffered a setback in our manifesto, yes, but I have no regrets. I'm very very happy here. I take regular exercise. Strength through Joy. Lots of Lebensraum here. Self But you never actually achieved Reichs- fiihrer of Britain?

12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

Hess: I don't think Mr Churchill fully appreci- ates our proposals. He is an arrogant man. Self: But with all respect, Herr Hess, Churchill has been dead for 25 years.

Hess: Incarceration hasn't completely deprived me of my senses, which the Allies appear to be trying to do. They have tried to circumcise me. Just look at this scar on my forehead.

Self: So you admit to nurturing a few prejudices, then?

Hess: Not at all. I've mellowed with age. Se/f:Thank you for your time, Herr Hess. Hess: Heil Hitler!

(D. R. Griffin) Self So were you surprised when God first broached the subject of the Ark?

Noah: Yes. And no. I'd always thought there was something special about our family, real master-race material. Just the sort to be selected.

Self: Chosen people?

Noah: Right. And the boys keen on wildlife — hunting really. They knew how to stock the Ark. Self: Two of each species?

Noah: Mostly. The odd mistakes of course — like the homosexual unicorns.

Self: And when you reached dry land . . .? Noah: Alas, we weren't the first. How this other boat found it never know.

Self: Another Ark?

Noah: Just about to moor when we arrived, and there was only space for one. Us. We were chosen, so we had to have it. You should've seen their faces when we pushed them off, back into the storms.

Self: Who. . .?

Noah:No one we knew. Another tribe — Arab. probably. They'd hate us for it now if they but knew.

(D. A. Prince) Self: General Booth, after a lifetime of building up your organisation, do you feel that 'darkest England' has become a more Christian country? Booth: Let's not be too optimistic, young man. Many have been saved, but many are yet to be. Self: You have been a controversial figure, haven't you? Do you find it an embarrassment, for example, to be praised by Karl Marx? Booth: Who? Has he attended my meetings? Self: Well, possibly. But what I'm trying to say is that some people feel you have worked rather a contentious social message into Christianity. Booth: Saving souls is my business. But a man has to have food and shelter before you can save his soul.

Self: I wonder, though, if you haven't neglected some of the other side of the Christian faith. 1 mean ceremony, liturgy —

Booth: Let's not fanny around, son. Redemp-

tion is the bottom line. I couldn't give a toss about chasubles and vestments. You have to be washed in the blood of the lamb. You hear me talking?

(Basil Ransome-Davies) I visited the Duke of Wellington and found him still the master of the succinct comment. Self: You are on record as saying that the presence of Napoleon was worth 40,000 men. Duke: I should have added that this meant another Marshal, so nothing was gained. Self: So you disagree with Napoleon's policy of rewarding with titles?

Duke: Make a man a Prince and he wants to live to enjoy it.

Self: You called your Army the scum of the earth.

Duke: Scum is a relative term. The Horse Guards were a growth of weeds, the Reformed Parliament a poisonous fungus.

Self: You spoke with feeling of the losses at Waterloo, yet when Lord Uxbridge lost his leg you only said, 'By God, so you have!'

Duke: What would you have me do — kiss him? Self: Nelson said, 'Kiss me, Hardy.'

Duke: Nelson, sir, was a sailor. (D. Shepherd) Self: Now you actually saw the kind of thing that went on in Sodom. You were there. But you interceded on behalf of its citizens, I'm told. Abraham: There's no sin in that. I wanted — misguidedly — to let them have a second chance.

Self: But these were the sort of people who apparently wanted to ravage your great-nieces, Lot's daughters.

Abraham: Lot's daughters! You should meet them!

Self: I know that they're reputed to have . . . slept with their father. Was that sort of thing common in Sodom?

Abraham: Incest? No, they left that sort of thing to us Chaldeans.

Se/f.Then what did the Sodomites actually do? Abraham: Well, they were vegetarians for a start. When you raise flocks of sheep, that's not very helpful, it is? I mean, you can't fund a major dynasty on yoghurt sales. They were also nudists. Brimstone was too good for them, I'm telling you.

(Will Bellenger)