COMPETITION

Old Year letter

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1606 you were in- vited to compose a letter addressed to the New Year by the outgoing incumbent, giving advice, serious or jesting, as to how to conduct the affairs of 1990.

My own instruction would be 'Play it again, Sam'; the bonuses of a warm winter, a dry summer and the news from Eastern Europe plus nothing to be done at the dentist's were enough for me. Surprisingly, several of you counselled a policy of masterly inactivity. 'Just sit in a corner and do your knitting and 1991 will soon be here. PS: I've just had a look at the roster and guess who's got 1997!' wrote John Caldwell's Old Year. 'I go out honoured as one of the greats in history, simply by having rested on my oars', George Moor's modestly claimed. Gerard Benson's signed off: 'Everybody will have a birthday. Many will celebrate. Laugh to yourself, and keep moving. I'll meet you in the archives.'

Salutary warnings came from Ba Miller's (Don't imagine you'll have Sundays free') and Stanley J. Sharpless's (Never was a New Year born with such a lovely big silver spoon in its mouth: mind you don't choke on it'), and Fergus Porter's Old Year sighed, know I was international Cam- bric Year, the Tibetan Year of the Boot, and World Year of Regard for Mother- hood, but none of them's a source of pride in itself.'

The prizewinners printed below get £15 each, and the bonus bottle of Highland Park 12-year-old Single Malt Whisky, pre- sented by The Spectator, goes to John O'Byrne. Dear '90, some guidelines, in mnemonic form, to carry you through the next twelve months: Narwhal. This arctic aquatic animal is anxious

for a human sponsor (as in 'European Nar- whal Year'). Avoid like the rain forest. Italy. Make sure Egypt gets to the final.

National Health Service. Ensure a good political row.

Euro-. The '70s were `petro-'; the '80s were 'eco-'. You're 'euro-'!

Time sheets. Don't forget to fill these out. Economy. Or GNP (Great National Prosperity).

It's your turn to provide 'upturn'. Environment. Some more mileage left in this. Nuclear. Be unclear.

Nine days' wonder. Most "historic' events. Ignotum per ignotius. More of "the unknown by means of the more unknown', please. NIMBY (not in my back yard). Don't blame your problems on '89.

Example. Set a good one.

Thank You. (John O'Byrne) Quite a bit of unfinished business in the pending file, I'm afraid, including several nasty little problems for the earthlings: pollution, epidemics, droughts, wars — the usual stuff.

Just a few words of advice. They'll call you 'Year of Hope', of course. Don't believe it: it's only their incurable optimism that keeps them sane. Sbon enough you'll become, like the rest of us, 'Year of Turmoil'. Ignore the end-of-year, end-of-decade forecasters — they always get it wrong. And forget the old saws like `There's nothing new under the sun' (the cynics' comfort- able illusion) and 'Time heals everything' (that ridiculous. optimism again). The only safe max- im, you'll find, is `Nothing happens but the unexpected.'

The real worry for you, though, is a rather dangerous chap called Stephen Hawking, who's spreading alarming ideas about space-time, the Big Crunch, etc. Watch him, or you may find yourself travelling backwards. Good luck!

(Geoffrey Riley) Resist pressure by ethnically inspired busy- bodies to date yourself from the birth of any foreign deity. You are a European year.

Resist. impostors. There are far too many, ranging from Tax Years to new car registration. You are a genuine year.

Resist being known for some forgettable cause. One of your predecessors was tagged as Ecumenical; it was not even spelled properly.

Encourage the greenhouse effect if you are convinced it exists. Everyone loves a year with a good summer.

Encotirage the grape. A year that produces a good vintage is bound to be remembered with gratitude.

Encourage dignity. Your decade will have its sobriquet; we do not want a repetition of Naughty Nineties.

Resist attempts by days to aggrandise them- selves. They were insufferable when called by saints' names.

DO not be diverted from faith by faction or fashionable causes. Remember that we, have

alWays been Anni (D. Shepherd) Listen hard, kid. What you got is, like, an upside-downside situation. No shit. The down- side is: any disasters or massacres, bad turn of events, people have ,unhappy love affairs, lose all their money, get unpleasant diseases, they're gcinna blame it on you. They'll always remember you that way. It's never 'Boy, I really screwed up in 1990', just '1990 was a lousy yea(. OK?

And the upside is: it doesn't matted! You're jinxed from the start,,,so who cares? Let the worst happen. Floods and fires, civil war, drug epidemicS, invaders .froM outer space — go for it. They're gonna bitch anyway, do your worst, give them a really hard time. That's the way 1 played it — ask Salman Rushdie, ask anyone.

So as soon as you catch the sound of millions of drunken assholes singing 'Auld Lang Syne' get moving and give it your best shot. Remem- ber what Kris said: 'Freedom's just another

word for nothing left to lose.' Be seein' ya!

(Basil Ransome-Davies) The main thing is to remember the old precepts:

1. Grab their attention. The weather's on your side here, I made the mistake of giving them an easy ride in January and lost their respect.

2. You need one really good running gag. I had this brilliant idea of a disastrous Test series, though perhaps I overdid things a hit and strained credulity.

3. Keep 'em guessing. Suspense is the thing, so play the interest-rate card for all it's worth. If they get bored, hit 'em with a Black Monday.

4. Save something to finish on a high note. I was particularly successful here, I think, with my East European stuff, and I've left you Albania and most of Romahia to start you off.

That's about it, I think. Leave the earthquakes alone for a hit and try something else. There's a nice little fishing dispute in the Falklands you