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Ill-
Alice Thomas Ellis
Idon't like judges much. I haven't met many socially, because they mix only with each other, and I assure you I have not yet met one in his official capacity: but I do know that elevation to the judiciary tends to make men mad.
We had one living near us once. One day the Queen made him a knight as well as a judge and the next day a little boy knocked on his door (as he did most days) to ask if his little boy could come out and play. The judge said, 'Wait here a moment, little boy, and I'll ask Lady. . . .' He meant his wife. Oh God. On another occasion his next-door neighbour, attempting to cross the road from A to B in the vicinity of the Law Courts, had the galling experience of being stopped by a policeman halting all traffic so that the judge could sail across the road en grande tenue with such an expression of superlative smugness that the neighbour longed only to jump up and down on his wig.
I have known other men who were turned into knights, and some who were made lords, and after a certain initial bout of swank (signified in the first place by a change in their writing paper — improved quality and embossed headings — and a tendency to send more letters to people than is usual) they have settled down and eaten the crusts on their bacon sandwiches much like the rest of us. It is being made a judge that goes straight to the head and addles the brains. The stories I could tell you — only I can't because writs for contempt of court, the Official Secrets Act, D-notices, men in dark coats and Lord knows what else would come winging round my ears like wasps. Sickening.
My cousin was something in the Lord Chancellor's office once, but he kept com- ing across judges so he went off and lived abroad.• He couldn't stand it. The thing is — judges don't see things like the rest of us. Evidence which to you and me and the binman is incontrovertible is dismissed by judges as irrelevant. 'I have made up my mind, now kindly don't confuse me with the facts' is a statement arising from possibly the most infuriating attitude known to mankind. When people who lay claim to logical processes of thought, un- biased methods of investigation and impar- tial analysis appear to be a bunch of fat-headed chumps it worries the populace. We suspect that it is even worse than it seems, since, by the law of averages, they can't all be total bone from the neck up, and we catch a strong whiff of Rattus rattus scampering through the corridors of pow- er. Even a pinch of political expediency dropped into the judicial process makes a nasty simmering brew, and sooner or later something will go off bang.
I have frequently been told by smooth- faced gentlemen in positions of influence not to worry my little head about it (and if I ever do come up before a judge I shall be arraigned on a charge of murdering one of them) and to leave these matters to the experts. Well, it would be nice if we could, but on the evidence we would be most ill-advised to do so. Experts all over the place — not only judges, but politicians, scientists, town planners, etc. — are man- ifestly nuts. If you take your eyes off them for a second they conspire to erect a nuclear shopping precinct with a land- scaped conifer plantation on your village green, and tax you to pay for it. - Not being able to trust those who are supposed to be in charge is a waste of all our time, and the possibility that some people in positions of power are clinically insane is not reassuring. The psychopath is incapable of realising that there are some of us out there who are not prepared to share in his delusions. He fondly believes that his need to control without question will be gratified simply because it is so urgent to him. What's more, he insists that he does what he does for our own good (in the national interest). This is called para- noia, stems from the madman's need to identify himself with the universe and calls for immediate treatment. Unfortunately the madman does not understand that he is cuckoo, so all is lost.
All one can say is, 'Judge not that ye be not judged, and if you must, do try and get it right, or, when you come up before the Great Tribunal, God will be cross.'
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