YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. As my wife and I have planned to have a larger family than seems the norm in this age, we were overjoyed at the news that she is expecting another baby later this year. This child will be our third in as many years. Since we are both still young and enjoy good health, and do not intend to burden the Chancellor of the Exche- quer with the bill for the upbringing of our children, we consider the number and spacing of our children to be our own responsibility and business, and no one else's. However, several acquaintances have, to our great annoyance, assumed that the news of our third child's impend- ing arrival must have brought us great woe, and have impertinently sought to commiserate with us. Worse still, some acquaintances have caused more exquisite annoyance than someone of my tempera- ment can bear by saying such things as, `Oh no, was it an accident?' or worse, 'Not again! You'll have to tie a knot in it!' Mary, as this problem will probably only get worse, can you suggest a suitable way to punish future offenders in lapses of good taste?
S.F., London SW17 A. You could punish them by matching commiseration with commiseration. 'Oh poor you — you're probably thinking of yourself ...' you can say consolingly. 'Yes, I can see that for you it would be a nightmare but, you see, we rather feel that, from a standpoint of eugenics, it's some- thing of a responsibility for us to produce as many as we can. And of course we can afford it.'
Q. Having come into some money, I have recently moved into a newly built 12- bedroom mini stately home in the West Country. I am worried that old friends will think I have now become very snooty and posh. How can I reassure them that I am basically exactly the same person as before and at the same time remove any element of chippiness that they may be experiencing themselves when they come to stay?
A.Z.P., Wiltshire A. There is nothing more disconcerting than an immaculately clean bathroom or lavatory. You should therefore leave the en suite lavatory in your friends' guest-bed- room lightly unflushed. This should be more than enough to put them at their ease, though you may like to take the dou- ble precaution of leaving one of the down- stairs lavatories unflushed as well.
Q. How can I punish a friend who keeps repeating the same old joke? 'I was in Lloyds', he says, and pauses to allow a gasp of sympathssy to ripple round the room before he adds, 'this morning, cashing a cheque!'
P.B., Newmarket A. You must follow this insolent and cruel joke by an immediate demand that a sub- stantial contribution be made to your favourite charity.
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