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IN COMPETITION NO. 1854 you were invited to supply a suitable Bloomsbury `blurb' for a book by Pasternak and Hewitt, published 40 years hence, describing the highlights in the life of 'the Major' since 1994.

Best title — Bearskins and Bare Skins (Tim Hopkins). Best quote — 'I wouldn't touch it with a fibre-optic, user-friendly cybercattleprod': Lord Charlesmoore of the Wharf (Tim Footman). Lowest high- lights — incognito programme-seller at polo matches, Mullah Salman Rushdie's lifeguard, Cleft-Stick-in-Waiting at the Court of Tonga, head of a camel clinic in

Zhob, emptier of latrine buckets at the Ephesus Cards Club, secretary of a nine- hole golf club on Norfolk Island. Best joke — 'The fatwah pronounced on him by offi- cers of his old regiment subsequently caused him countless anxious moments. Only their inaccurate marksmanship has saved him from serious injury or worse' (Charles F. Garvey).

The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to P.F. Goodchild.

An officer and a gentleman, he wooed a Royal Princess and won her heart. Shunned by the world for daring to speak his love aloud, he was hounded to exile. With the flame still burning he spent 40 years wandering the world to forget: failed rancher in Argentina, low-return sheep- farmer in New Zealand, undercapitalised yak- rearer in Nepal and finally financial ruin among the mole-breeding thugs of Pakistan. Such were the bleak milestones on his bitter journey.

But the passion would not die, the river of love would not dry up, the torrent would not be dammed; work with a succession of horned,

woolly and furry animals was incapable of oblit- erating the image of the most beautiful woman in the world. This tender, touching and beautiful story of a heartbroken man epitomises tragic love, but also throws fascinating new light on key causes of failure in animal husbandry.

(P.F. Goodchild) Anna Pastemaks' pulsating chronicle of Major James (`Jammy') Hewitts' sexsationally lumines- cent love-life lifts the lid off of innumerable turn-of-century really really wild affairs. Hewitt will be recalled as the top-draw Guards' officer whom forty years' back was encouraged by Pasternok to spill the has-beens of his passionate relationship with former Royal Baronin Di Kleinspecht-Schlagenmiihl, now he audaciously unviles his countless amours in lyrically explicit pantie-popping prose before and after the Di do. Onlook his incredible initiation at three by lus- cious nursemaid Maimuna Garrmpani, beddings of voluptuous Matrons' at Prep and Public School, sex-starved wives' of Housemaster, Headmaster and CO, and randy Manageress's of successive Retirement Homes to mention mere soupcons of these wickedly bonk'n'tell revela- tions including his enchanting Godmothers' riv- eau-1g secret. Royals, women MPs', MEP's, Tellycelebs — all, succumbing to his buccanerr- ing charm are named and compared exhaustively with La Schlagenmilhl, bedwise.

(W.F.N. Watson)

Forty years after the book which precipitated the episode known as the Premature Abdication, Anna and James Hewitt-Pasternak take up the literary cudgels once more. In gentle but com- pelling detail, they describe the astonishing events which led them to adopt Prince Fergus of York, after the nightmare collapse of the Channel Tunnel during the inaugural Continent- al journey undertaken by the Royal Train. With rare sensitivity, they offer intriguing insights into their lives as Dowagers, and the DNA tests which made it all possible. There is a touching introduction from ex-King Charles, now beloved Duke of Tonga, and a blessing from the Caliph of Canterbury. In the new volume, Republic: The Whirlwind, we learn what makes the monarchy tick over, and glimpse the radiance of this bejew- elled relationship. Bloomsbury are delighted to present this publication in collaboration with the Sunday Times and Telegraph, priced at £399.99, or £350 on interactive CD-ROM.

(Bill Greenwell) Forty years ago, his career seemed finished. But starting from his conversion to the creeds of the

Church of England and New Labour, Changing the Guard traces Bishop Hewitt's remarkable rise to a position in the counsels of three succes- sive Governments. It tells of his touching and touchy relationship with the Premier's wife dur- ing his stewardship of the Blair polo ponies; of his ordination and crucial role, as Chaplain to the Cabinet, in the Triple Abdication Crisis of 2012; and of his controversial enthronement as `Flying Bishop' for the oversight of clergy with sexual problems. Finally it covers his recent struggle to establish, with the help and compan- ionship of Lady Phillips, a permanent home for his Academy of Eventing for the Socially Disadvantaged. This is the moving story of a modern Christian, whose sympathies spilled over from narrow, privileged beginnings to infuse warmth and comfort into many hearts.

(Philip Dacre)