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COMPETITION
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A modest proposal
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 1930 you were invited to make a modern proposal in the spirit of irony in which Swift made his `Modest Proposal'.
In letting loose the dogs of irony, I for- got how many different breeds of the ani- mal there are, from the gently nipping pekinese to the brutally mordant rottweil- er. Your proposals ranged from Sid Field's mild suggestion that the homeless should be licensed to catch feral pigeons (the meat for nutrition, the feathers for home-made duvets) to R.C. Solomon's savage plan `to solve many of Britain's problems, literally at a stroke', by the public beheading of the Princess of Wales at Tower Hill on the day of the Millennium, to Basil Ransome- Davies's wry recommendation that, since Britain has been ruined by failure to lose wars in this century, we should become the tenth province of Belgium.
The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Victor Sandelson.
The Government's proposal to offer shares in the newly formed National Brothel Co. plc will be warmly welcomed in the City. This further funding source for sport, heritage and the arts can be criticised only by the same stern, unbend- ing moralists who opposed the National Lottery. The appointment of a regulator, Offbroth, will allay any fears about the proper supervision of consumer prices. Certainly, Whitehall is pleased by the initiative, not least the Treasury, which will receive 15 per cent of the gross take. Other warm endorsements for the plan have already come from the Employment Minister, speaking of new opportunities for school leavers, and the Department of Education, commending the likely incremental increase in manual and ancil- lary skills. A spokesman at No. 10, referring to urban conditions in this area a century ago, said it was hoped that the move would presage a return to family values. (Victor Sandelson) So much was the rule of law once appreciated that a remote people, on first encountering the concept, ate an Australian magistrate in an attempt to attain the full benefits. Nowadays, in our own islands the appreciation is different. Your Government proposes therefore the corol- lary that those who will not have the rule of law shall not have it. Persons summoned to answer charges who do not appear may be hunted down and killed as wolves were — and where are they now? Why should our constabulary be obliged actually to produce such persons in court? Fid- dlesticks!
The decision on this revival of outlawry, this radical reversion to basic principles, will be taken after the pilot scheme in Ulster. The Mountains of Mourne will be declared free of all law on Saturdays and Sundays, and persons with grievances against us or each other are invited to repair there fully armed. (Patrick Ussher) Mr Howard is being disingenuous about his rea- sons for building more prisons. In truth, they will eventually solve the problem of social disorder, but with a radical shift of emphasis. The victims and potential victims will be locked in and the perpetrators locked out. Prisons will be declared 'areas of unnatural lawfulness' and qualifications for entry will be stringent: any history of vio- lence, dishonesty, drug abuse or anti-social con- duct will disqualify. Within the walls, decent citi- zens will live without fear in an atmosphere of co-operation and tolerance. Those outside will be free to create the kind of society we now live in, only more so — unfettered by the police (who will guard the prisons) or the judiciary. Anyone who misbehaves in prison will be com- pulsorily released. Minor breaches of etiquette will be punished by a 'short, sharp shock' in an open prison, where security will be minimal.
(Tim Hopkins) Keynes said that rather than leave the unem- ployed idle and destitute it would be better to pay them to dig holes and to fill them in again. All British governments have adopted this poli- cy, while disguising it under names like 'Youth Opportunities Programme' and 'Youth Train- ing'. But the policy has failed; the unemployed seem destined to remain, and in growing num- bers. The need now is for an ultra-Keynesian remedy. If the unemployed were paid to dig holes into which they were then placed and buried by others of their kind, there would be advantages to the Treasury (a reduction in unemployment payments, an increase in death duty receipts), to the Government (improved unemployment figures), to the Conservative Party (fewer Labour voters) and to the unem- ployed themselves (the satisfaction of a job well done). (Robin Drummond) It is a pitiful sight: old people a burdensome drag on their children's energies and ambitions, whether kennelled in the family residence or sta- bled in a so-called 'home', prattling mindlessly, gawping at nothings, mumbling their food, draining the economy, so much like infants that, with the Church's support, I propose that we dignify their state. Let us celebrate old age's reverses as we celebrate birth — with UnChristening and UnBirth. A simple service (yet a welcome addition to the Church's coffers): the Old One anointed with warmed milk and rusks; then, as priests and doctors attend the speedy UnBirth (a drug, injected, a swift crema- tion), an UnChristening Tea for the happily unencumbered, the new Ex-Carers. What a joy- ous occasion! No more searching for spectacles or hearing aids, no 'full sets' dentifriced in the best Waterford, no more snail's-pace excursions to bingo and public lavatories. Only space and time, entirely for oneself. (D.A. Prince)
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