SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 96 Report by Richard Usborne

A prize of £5 was offered for a notice, suitable for insertion in the Classified Advertisement columns of the Spectator offering for sale one of the following : A vest-pocket exorcising kit ; a moustache- cup and tongs ; a new joke book ; an untraceable poison ; a bed- making machine.

The Untraceable Poison brought the most entries. Then the Exorcising Kit. I didn't specify a maximum length of words, but with Classified Advertisements you pay by the line for inset tions, and I thought more people would have fun with word contractions (e.g. " pstge pd " " mfrs "). Admittedly the Spectator Classified columns are comparatively free of such, as of the wilder lunacies of desperate snob-appeal (e.g. " Titled inventor " for the Exorcising Kit, offered by M.L.B.). Still, I'd have liked more. Here are the best offers, or xcpts frrn ofrs.

AN UNTRACEABLE POISON TIRED of wife/mother-in-law/boss ? Advertiser cars for sale un- traceable poison prepared from secret formula by Atomic Scientist now in Russia . . . EVANS) THROW AWAY THAT STRYCHNINE BOTTLE ! Easy-to-use, deadly and non-trace-leaving POISon ANONymous (POISANON) is here. Ask for POISANON at any chemist ... say it's for cleaning carpets. Yes It will do that too. Crippen and Seddon, Sole Manufacturers.

(MARTIN HUTTON) . . . Endless scope with no risk of rope . . . (J. E. RICHARDSON) . We supply headstones at specially reduced prices to users of our " Fixem " powder. (David L. Booth, who very kindly sent me a sample pckt. of same. It looked like castor sugar, but it burnt with a purple flame.) THORNS IN THE FLESH and Pains in the Neck immediately removed by KILLEEZY, the new painless and undetectable cure. Doctors diagnose death from exhaustion. (M. G. SHAW) ATOMIC NOVELTY. Perfectly safe to use. Arsenic superseded. Two or three drops Make heavenly gift for hubby. (E. W. FORDHAM) HOMO, the safe Vermicide, destroys any size of pest without trace. Humane and sanitary, kills instantly. No smell and no taste. Economical. The first application does a man-sized job. All remains shrivel and vanish within an hour. No tiresome disposal.

(I. M. FRASER)

V.P. EXORCISING KIT

SCATTER SPOOKS, dissolve demons with GO-GHOST. Guaranteed absolutely harmless to angels, fairies, S. Claus, etc. GO-GHOST is going to Everest ! Its rays (no wires, no smell) will just m-e-l-t that Snowman in a trice. Two models : Antimephy (gold) 8 gns., Scrooge (silver) 6 gns. Write GO-GHOST, Elsinore, Denmark.

(MARTIN HUTTON)

STILL TROUBLED BY CHRISTMAS SPIRITS ? No host v.p. Exorcising Kit, good cond., one owner. Battery, electric bell, 3-candle power. Effective against Gremlins, Hawkers, Things, Footstep-Doggers, Bridge-Fiends, Still Small Voices, etc. Best offer, or exch. comp. set Rationalist Press. (J. PALMER) UNFROCKED PRIEST offers for sale vest pkt. exorcising kit, tom- prising miniature bell, bk., and candle (elec.), with written guar. and bishop's blessing. . New condition. £5 or nearest. Or wd. acc. genuine medieval astrolabe in gd. wrkg. order. (ALLAN M. LAING) BOON FOR GHOSTLAYERS ! V.P. Exorcising Kit. Complete ! Com- prises : comprehensive list of effective NAMES ; collapsible BELL ; miniature BOOK (postage-stamp size, with magnifying glass) ; dehydrated CANDLE ; 1 oz. HOLY WATER POWDER ; in- flatable STOOP. Packed in flat haunt-pt oof case. Invest in a SPECTRECIDE outfit ! Guaranteed to lay ghosts of all sizes and ages. Personally recommended. BANQUO, MARLEY and HAMLET, Ltd., Rectory Works, Borley. (I. M. BIRCH) BED-MAKING MACHINE FOR SALE, Apple-pie-proof Bed-making machine. 1951 " Abigail " model. Patent crumb-detector and remover. 3-gear TUKTITE adjuster and pyjama-folding fitment. £40. Owner getting married.

YCE JOHNSON) ACHING BACK ? Buy CUBIFAC, the bed-making machine that halves the housework. Indispensable to bachelors-and boarding schools, housewives and hotels. 15 gns. Apple-pie attachment for unwelcome guests £2 extra. Sheet and Spread, Tucks Bottom, Welwyn.

(F. A. V. MADDEN) SHORT OF DOMESTIC HELP ? Help-Iess " Bed-making machines adaptable to all sizes, from double-beds to cots. The machine automatically detects and extracts hot water bottles, toys and bed- socks. All voltages, A.C./D.C. Further details from Precision Tools, Ltd., -Runcible House, Jubisca Rd., E.C.29.

(C. J. M. PUMPHREY) NEW JOKE BOOK No NEED TO SAY " Have you heard this one ? " after you've bought (at all good bookshops) The Atomic Joke Book (7s. 6d.) Cleverly arranged in alphabetic order. You'll snigger, then laugh, then ROAR all the way from the Abominable Snowman to the Zebra Crossing. Every joke GUARANTEED brand new.

(MARTIN HUTTON)

MOUSTACHE CUP AND TONGS THE J. E. MOUSTACHE CUP AND TONGS (for chestnuts). Inscribed with genuine " Jimmy Edwards " signature and Aberdeen University coat-of-arms. Send s.a.e. for illustrated folder. Bentley's Gift Shop, Aberdeen. (DouGLAS HAwsoN) I recommend a first prize of £3 for the Rev. P. A. Schofield, and two second prizes of £1 for D. R. Peddy and G. E. Assinder.

FIRST PRIZE

(REV. P. A. SCHOFIELD) " THE GHOST Goss WEST "—when confronted with the " Ghoul- hash " vest-pocket exorcising kit. This wizard outfit, comprising bell, book and candle in enchanting leather case,- is guaranteed to get rid of your old haunts and to .keep your spirits down. Works like a charm. Try it for a spell.—I. C. HANDZOFF, Groanless Hollow, Carefree, Herts.

SECOND PRIZES

(D. R. PEDDY)

WHERE THERE'S A " WILL THERE'S A WAY—and the way is CLUELESS, the toxic without a trace, invaluable in cases of cfironic longevity and especially potent against great-aunts. Produced in five distinctiie flavours—Peppermint, Strawberry, Lemon, Chocolate and Caramel— for easy concealment, and in two varieties—excruciating or painless— for the vindictive or the squeamish, CLUELESS is available at 5s. per dozen tablets. CLUELESS is guaranteed against the most-searching Spilsburian, and money will be refunded prior to execution following any case of conviction. From Foxacop Drugs, Ltd., W.1.

(G. E. ASSINDER) ROLLS ROYCE 1950 Silver Wraith Saloon for sale. First-class condition. Sunshine roof. Adjustable seat. Suitable Dental Surgeon. Price' £7,500. Also New Joke Book, price Is.- 6d. Apply not before 11 a.m. Mayfair 99999.