Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Dear me! How are we supposed to have a grown up argument about immigration when silly Lithuanian ambassadors can't see the funny side of a little joke about one-legged dance troupes?
If you ask me, people with names that look like the last line of the optician's testing chart shouldn't be allowed to start rows. It creates an awful lot of press releases which the spellcheck on the word processor can't handle.
Jed says we'll only stop it by sending Mr Hague to Vilnius to eat humble Cepelinai, whatever that means Thank goodness am getting out of office to help Dave do Sky News . . . Later: What is going on? We were only at Sky five minutes when we managed to get into another row.
Big strategy meeting to decide how we feel about Ms Etchingham accusing us of wanting to 'exterminate' immigrants. Gary reckons we are 'deeply shocked and hurt'. Jed says we are 'shocked but undeterred'. Nigel says we are 'angry and demand an inquiry'. Suggested combination of all three but Jed and Gary said they would rather argue about it for a few hours, thank you. Which is fair enough.
TUESDAY Bit of bother at Mr Gove's speech to the Bow Group. Didn't start well when no one could hear a word and we had to ask builders to stop work outside. Then when everyone could hear, no one could understand it. Nigel furious. Says the whole point of locking Mr Gove, Mr Willetts and Mr Letwin in the Secure Zone while they write is completely lost if the speeches don't then get confiscated immediately and handed to the translation team. Must confess was baffled. Especially by the bit saying Neville Chamberlain was like Roger Moore.
At least had stroke of inspiration re The Etchingham Dilemma. Took bits of the Lithuanian ambassador's statement attacking us and inserted the words 'Sky News' instead of 'your very foolish Tory party, yes', and it works a dream! Am going to propose it tomorrow.
WEDNESDAY Horrid day. Was so looking forward to our Hallowe'en party at the London Dungeon. Well, not really a party, more of a protest rally with 'Gordon Brown is all Trick and no Treat' placards — but still could have been fun.
Unfortunately was late back from the Etchingham Summit (still no decision) and the girls were already in the Tranquillity Room getting changed. All the best costumes gone — Poppy got the sexy witch's dress with the split sides and green tights. Had to settle for a white sheet and an axe through the head. Not sexy.
Worse still, when got back Jed called us in and said that as Dave was willing to do his job for half the money we should be, too. Good job everyone still wearing their costumes so he couldn't see our faces. If this goes ahead, am going to qualify for help from Captain Smithy's Outreach Project. Don't like to complain, but, well, some of us aren't as well off as Dave. Poor Mr Evans is already sleeping rough on the street. He says it's a protest about Burma, but I don't think he's fooling anybody.
THURSDAY L,etters from Lithuania still piling up. Am learning lots of useful stuff. Did you know that Lithuania is the central point of Europe, Hannibal Lecter was born there and it is the only country on earth that has a public statue of Frank Zappa? Oh, and it has very good flat taxes I think that letter was from Mr Redwood because it came through the internal. Nanu Nanu!
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