Quods, Lolls or Lurches

The usual prizes were offered for a table of measures for any abstract feature of modern life, e.g., bureaucracy, sex-appeal, lifemanship.

THERE was, in fact, quite a lot of rod-pole-or- perch-ing among this very amusing collection of wit and ingenuity. Many were the subjects chosen —a number picked bureaucracy and sex-appeal, rather fewer lifemanship, but most people chose their own, to good effect. There were, for example, Martin Jordan's Table of (Journalistic) Intel- lectual Appreciation, J. A. Lindon's Truth Table, Guy Hadley's Cult of Youth Measures and Do-it- Yourself Measures, Siarco's rather bitter Table of Political Memory, and Gloria Prince's Diminishing Democracy, as well as the following selection : EDUCATIONAL •

15 plusses=1 swot; 18 swots=1 schol; 21 schols= I hood. (Vera Mouse.) 6 grads=1 schol; 2 schols=1 don; 64 dons=1 quizchamp. (Jcbronius.)

LITERARY CRITICISM

3 marxbros= 1 luckyjim; 24. luckyjims= I a.y.m (a la Osborne); 5 a.y.m.'s=1 outsider (a la Wilson). (Nimai Chatterji.)

2 pars=1 faintpraise; 2 faintpraises=1 sneer; 2 sneers= I backbite. (Alan M. Laing.)

DIPLOMACY

2 impasses= I protest; 4 protests=1 deadlock; 2 deadlocks=1 conference; 4 conferences=1 status quo. (Areas.) 4 Aides-Wmoire=1 representation; 2 representa- tions= I urgent representation; 3 urgent repre- sentations=1 note; 5 notes=1 personal letter; 2 personal letters=1 ultimatum. (Goodwill.)

Sex-APPEAL

3 vastics (vital statistics)=1 butchers; 2 butchers=1 whistle; 2 whistles=1 date. (Mrs. 1. M. Connor.)

3 dates =1 rock; 4 rocks =1 howsabout; 2 howsabouts =1 tell mum. (Douglas Hawson.)

DRUG MEASURES (WITHOUT SCRUPLES)

50 full drugs= 1 addick; over an addick =1 tombstone. (Elspeth.)

TAIII.E OF OBJECTION

3 tantrums= I huff; 4 huffs=1 dudgeon; 2 dudgeons =1 umbrage. (Leslie Johnson.)

ENTERTAINMENT

3 ITV appearances= I household word; 2 household words =-1 indiscreet autobiography; 2 indiscreet autobiographies = 1 Third. (H. G. Brown.)

60 interviewer-minutes=10 panel-game minutes or 1 good guess; 6 good guesses=1 correct final guess; 11 correct final guesses=1 regular weekly appear- ance; 5 appearances per week =1 own-name show.

• (Barbara Smoker.)

CALAMITY

7 rainydays=1 kiddysick; 3 kiddiessiek =1 week- away; 4 weeksaway=1 sack. (R. A. McKenzie.)

BUREAUCRACY

2 formscnders=1 perpro; 2 perpros=1 they; 3 theys =1 unapproachable. (W. K. Holmes.) The short list, which was eventually pruned to eleven, included Frances Collingwood's Rood Measure, N. I. Pollard's Cynical 'Service' Table, and the entries of Granville Garley, Colin Pres- tige, Joyce Johnson, Areas, Mrs. I. M. Connor and Rhoda Tuck Pook. I think the ends of competitorial justice will be served by awarding three guineas to Eddie C., two guineas to David Butler, and one guinea to Gloria Prince.

SOLUTION TO CROSSWORD No. 936 ACROSS.-1 Calabash. S Pompom. 9 Cerulean. 10 Abords. 12 Emanate. 13 Outwear. 14 Deerstalkers. 17 Nolens %miens. 22 Boaster. 23 Respect. 24 Spigot. 25 Revenued. 26 Speaks. 27 Ilsotherc. DOWN.-1 Cocker. 2 Lariat. 3 Bullnee. 4 Slavedrlvers. 6 Orbital. 7 Primmer. 8 Muskrosc. II Postal orders. 15 Anhui'. 16 Fleabite. 18 Network. 19 Nascent. 20 Refuse. 21 Stodge.

PRIZES

(EDDIE c.) CROON MEASURE

The Chords and Discords Act enacts the legal measures of Croon, basing them upon the Standard Bing. A Bing is defined as the quantity of pure groan emitted during a period of one croon, at standard temperature and pressure and at 78 r.p.m. An accurate copy of the Standard Bing is kept in the Records Office (Disc Division). The metric scale is not yet legally recognised, although it is fast replacing the familiar Cool scale in advanced work. The Hep scale, of which the hep cat is the only unit commonly . known, is used solely for Blueness measurements.

Cool Scale Metric Equivalents 1 hoop (bp) =0.86805 millibings (mb) 4 boops =1 boop-a-doop =0.3472 centibings (dp) (cb) 12 boop-a- doops =I vo-de-o-do =0.416 decibings (vo) (db) 24 vo-de-o-dos =1 BING (bg) 20 bings =1 hotlick =2.0 dekabings (hk) (Db) 24 hotlicks =I cat (cool) =4.8 hectobings (c) (Hb)

4 cats --=1 realgone =0.96 kilobings

(rg) (Kb) •

HEP SCALE

25 hotlicks =1 cat (hep)

SQUARE MEASURE

1 Sq. bing = 1 Elvis (os)

(DAVID BUTLER)

The Committee recommended that the following standard should be adopted and used by the LPTB in all subsequent reports on Underground travel: two (or fewer) passengers standing=one loll 5 lolls= one sorridux 2 sorriduxes= one grumpet 4 grumpets=one parsryedown 2 parsryedowns= one leddemoffirz

(GLORIA PRINCE) COMPETITORS' GAIN TABLE

3 nulls=1 cavil 2 cavils =1 mensh 3 menshes= I brinker 3 brinkers=1 print (or superbrinker) 2 prints =I guincawin 2, 3 or 4 guineawins =1 bigwin 2 bigwins =1 visit - to - either - an - oculist - or - a-mental - specialist (little used) COMMENDED

(FRANCES COLLINGWOOD)

32 bites=one swallow .

100 swallows=one tawtefeling 1 tawtefeling=six hiccups 6 hiccups =six non-U pardons 6 non-U pardons=6 common arkatmces

(N, J. POLLARD)

2 wakies= I risenshine 1 risenshine=1 bull 6 bulls= I charge 2 charges= 1 rep 2 reps =1 cookhouse 2 cookhouses=7 days 28 days=1 jug 14 jugs=1 stripping

2 strippings=1 OFFICER