COMPETITION

Contrariness

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2138 you were invited to supply an imaginary passage from a famous author, written in his/her style but expressing startlingly untypical opinions.

Milton expounding Darwinism, Heming- way 'coming out', Larkin on the joys of work, Peter Mayle on a year in Blackpool, Lord Chesterfield recommending complete frankness, Kingsley Amis on the charms of a theme pub, Elizabeth David singing the praises of fast food . . . I enjoyed every minute in my judgment seat, though it became a bit uncomfortable when I had to separate the winners from the near-win- ners, among whom were Frank McDonald, Michael Lee, G.M. Davis and Martin Woodhead. The prize money — £25 each — goes to those printed below, and the bottle of the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky is on the way to W.J. Webster for his vivid reactionary Hazlitt.

Nay more; a thorough-going radical can never be content with his last victory, he must always press on to another target; he would as soon leave the field as Buonaparte, in his vainglory, would have sent his soldiers home after

Austerlitz 'when increase of appetite had grO' by what it fed on'. A radical has only to now some settled custom, established by comra°,1is usage and hallowed in its observation, and 11,i1 at once in a fury to root it out and hurl it aswei Ask him what he proposes to place in its stew and he will offer nothing but some airy notion tested in an ale-house and proved in a painP11,1c His delight is not in creation, it is in destructioe. he despises in his nature and only hates from th heart.

(W.J. Webs ter)

Do I think genius is inherited? My father,1 usually too drunk to take any notice of me. 1ted is to his credit. Teetotalism is simply an rove rs form of bragging, indulged in by health reforrne and pew-renting water-company shareholders.

I hear you say, 'What about the great cow

posers?' They don't interest me. Mozart manu- factured trivial tunes to distract wasps. As for Wagner, his strident discords led directly to the Cult of the superman and all that rubbish. Nor do I think alleged world thinkers on eco- nomic and political matters are geniuses, by Inheritance or otherwise. When Karl Marx and I used to sit in the British Museum Reading Room Wondered why he wasted his time studying capi- tal instead of making it. I would write a play on the subject if I had the ink and the ability. (Roger Till)

The knife I stuck in Adam's side Has been extracted, washed and dried. It comes in handy when I make Jam sandwiches, or cut a cake.

Those roisterers so rudely male, With whom I swallowed quarts of ale, Have given way to cups of tea In most select society.

No more do I on Wenlock Edge Bemoan the fading hawthorn hedge: I'm bored by cherry trees in bloom, And can't tell buttercups from broom. A preacher now, I've just begun Reforming all the youth of Clun.

To see delinquents on their knees Is cheering, as my wife agrees.

(Godfrey Bullard) Little lamb, who made thee? Dost thou know who made thee? Why thy wool is warm and soft, Why thou bleat'st and leap'st aloft? Why thou stray'st far from thy dam? Dost thou know thou art a lamb?

Little lamb, tell thee: Feeble is thy brain, and small.

Nothing dost thou know at all.

Thou art made by molecules Following insensate rules, One of Nature's blind machines, Driven solely by thy genes.

Little lamb, I greet thee.

Little lamb, I'll eat thee. (Noel Petty) I couldn't wait to tell Dean about the crazy mystic truth I'd seen when I was up on that mountain.

`Wh000, man!' I shouted as I poured him a

mug of cocoa. suddenly saw it all! I had a

vision, and the vision was of — accountancy! That's where it's at, man!

`Imagine it — there's this column of figures to add up, and when you get to the bottom you sud- denly know the answer, like one of those wan- dering Buddhist monks who sees the whole uni- verse in one mad instant and how everything's the same in the end because everything's good and holy in its own quiet way.'

`That's some vision!' Dean said in awe, nib- bling another cucumber sandwich with the crust cut off. 'Then let's do it!'

So we hit that open road, just two lonesome travellers seeking the Institute of Chartered Accountants.

(Paul Hatton)