High Life

In and out

Taki

With British skies cloudless and temperatures soaring High Life can finally present its summer guide for prospective jet

setters and potential Beautiful People. This

will be a bi-annual bonus feature designed to help loyal Spectator readers to make it in café society. And for twenty-five — or even thirty — pence it is probably the greatest bargain since the Dutch settlers bought Manhattan Island from some astute Indians back in 1600.

As our egalitarian society has turned things topsy-turvy, with pop stars playing polo at Cowdray, earls waiting at table, and trendy photographers more important than their subjects, status-symbols are no longer

a reliable guideline to making it. It is thus vital that ambitious readers should follow High Life's tips. The fine line separating the yobs from the BPs has never been finer.

Places to visit this summer: The Greek Islands of the Ionian Sea. Corfu, Zante, Ithaka. There is cricket in Corfu, beautiful beaches in Zante, peace and quiet in Ulysses's birthplace. The people are the only civilised Greeks to be found anywhere. The one black spot is that Onassis had bought a private island in the middle of the Ionian. Having been born in Smyrna, the wiliest of Greeks knew a good thing when he saw it. His merry widow comes every summer and brings a retinue of grovellers, all coots and all liberal. Mrs 0 refuses to allow fishermen to throw their nets near her island because she likes to water ski. Scorpios is a place to be ddfinitely avoided and never mentioned in conversation.

Places not to visit this summer: Sardinia, the Cote d'Azur, Mikonos and Vouliagmeni. Also Marbella, Deauville and anywhere within twenty-five miles of Italy. The Aga Khan's playground is just that, designed and tuned to cater to all his wishes. There are no places in the harbour because his yachts occupy most of the space available, restaurants are very, very expensive and the waiters very, very rude, the wind blows incessantly and maddeningly, the natives are sullen, arrogant and dangerous. But one might see Princess Margaret there. The South of France is almost as expensive as Sardinia, and the water more polluted than the .Serpentine. If you are under eighty you are not allowed into

Monte Carlo: If you are not 'gay' you cannot enter Marbella or Mikonos. And if you do not have a hundred million pounds don't enter Deauville.

Private islands to be seen on this summer: Koronis, George Livanos's pearl in the Aegean, tucked inside a Pelloponesian bay. Livanos, unlike his famous brothers in-law (Niarchos and Onassis) lives a quiet life and imports broken-down English people for amusement.

Private islands not to be seen on this summer: Spetsopoula, Stavros Niarchos's private haven, a ten minute chopper's flight from Koronis. Although heavily stocked with game and good servants there are too many art dealers and interior decorators about. If one mentions Spetsopoula one will be taken for a salesman. And trendy salesmen are out this year. Scorpios, for the reasons mentioned previously.

Sartorial U: Caraceni of Milano, Leslie Roberts of London.

Sartorial Non-U: Pierre Cardin and anything from Mic Mac, the St Tropez boutique owned by the egregious Gunter Sachs.

'In' Shoes: Anything with laces made in Britain. 'Out' Shoes: All Gucci products, all sandals and definitely all boots.

Hotels to stay: Gstaad Palace, Caravel Hotel in Athens. The Caravel has the nicest owner in the world and provides action in a very dull town. (A penicillin shot usually required after two weeks).

Hotels riot to stay: Hotel de Paris in Monte Carlo, expensive, noisy and inhabited by octagenarians. Hotel Cervo in Porto Cervo, very expensive, non-existent service and a single telephone line so the Aga Khan can call up and find out what's doing in the lobby. Grande Bretagne in Athens, very noisy and the rudest ownermidget in the world.

Men to be seen with this summer: (if you are a girl) Roberto Shorto, has the best contacts everywhere, Bryan Ferry, the only pop star who can utter non-four letter words, anyone from the Foreign Legion.

Men not to be seen with this summer: Dai Llewellyn, instant social leprosy, Roddy Llewellyn, Prince Charles, James Hunt, anybody Italian and anyone wearing gold chains.

Women not to be seen with or talk about: Margaret Trudeau.

Books to be seen carrying: Solzhenitsyn's third volume of Gulag Archipelago. In fact, anything by Solzhenitsyn, even if read upside down. Richard Nixon's memoirs. So many sanctimonious phoneys are knocking it, it is very in to read it. And'it's a good book besides.

Books not to be seen carrying: All ghost-written ones. Which means all books by celebrities. Stars have trouble composing a grocery list let alone structuring a sentence.

Newspapers and magazines to be seen carrying: Spectator, Private Eye, Sunday Express and Daily Telegraph. Daily Mail `nrned to Nigel Dempster's page.

..lewspapers and magazines not to be

seen carrying and definitely not to be read: Sunday Times, too big, too biased and too bogus. The Observer, too boring and sanctimonious. The Times, the Guardian and New Statesman, although the latter can be used as a sleeping pill. Time Out, definitely out. Vogue and Harper's & Queen, as every hair-dresser and poof this side of Madagascar subscribes to them thinking they are trendy.

Finally, Ideas to drop casually in conversation this summer: '1 like Ron Kitaj because his figurative art style has taken us back to painting the human form after the digestion of the epic abstract expression period'. 'Francis Bacon is out. The rough trade is getting to him'. 'Coke and quaaludes are like rolling in the snow after a sauna.'

Names never, but never, to drop this summer: Any art dealer's, Margaret Trudeau, Joan Collins.

Follow the above tips and you can't go wrong. And remember Tom Masson's advice: To be yourself is about the worst advice one can give people.