Low life
Words of wisdorri
Jeffrey Bernard
Dear Bill, Forgive the familiarity but if we're going to correspond with each other I can I keep addressing you as William, Prince 0' Wales. Anyway, what prompted me to drop you a line was that pompous balderdash Sil William Rees-Mogg wrote in the Sundalt Times about your family and implying 01 you should play the great game of life Ww a straight bat. Take it from me old chili that the difference between a cow shot and an exquisite late cut is simply a matter 0' timing. I didn't get where I am today with $ straight bat. As to your family and ancestors I 11111,,s1 warn you, as one directly descended frog, Richard Neville, Warwick the Kingmakf', ' don't count your chickens before they 1,1, hatched. Oh, and another warning, Id. you ever hear your father utter the Ofj Gordonstoun, run for your life. An Bill, talking of life, I always say you
only get out of it what you put into it.
Well, I expect you're feeling a little disgruntled but none of us chooses our Parents. Your grandmother is the one to keep an eye on and I advise you to get on the right side of her. I was sick over her tulips under the Royal Box at Ascot in 1971 When I was the Sporting Life columnist and You don't see yours truly mentioned in the birthday Honours List very often. Inciden- tally, you could take a page out of her book and take up horseracing as a hobby. You get to meet some funny people although her racing manager, Lord Porchester, isn't my idea of a joke; but the bar is open all after- noon.
Sorry, I'm rambling on a bit and all I meant to say was good luck to you. By the way, take a tip from me and stay out of Wales even if you are the Prince of it. They're a horrible bloody lot and God alone knows what your great uncle Ted was doing chatting up those miners. Now he was a card, but more about him when You're a little older. Which brings me to Marriage and a word in your shell-like on the subject, if I may, having taken the Plunge more times than I care to remember. Your mum and dad are going to try and find you a right one when the time comes to get you a Queen. Hold out, Bill. Don't get stuck with any old bird from Lichtenstein, Schleswig Holstein, Luxembourg, the Gold Coast or the Falkland Islands. Marry for love, never get anything on the HP and never trust a cabinet.
I do hope this letter doesn't find you as it leaves me. I'm making another appearance in court tomorrow and your granny can de- tain People at her pleasure and it's a Pleasure that can last for 30 years. Thank God you'll never see the inside of a nick. Not unless another Oliver Cromwell emerges from the Fens anyway. Yes, it's not all laughs being a prince or a king. You've got Your Charles I getting his redundancy, Your Princes in the Tower, Richard H get- !big his, George III going bonkers, Victoria laying the table for two and, on top of all that, you've got some twit from the Sunday rimes writing your biography and making a bomb out of it.
Mind you, there are compensa tins. You've got nice accommodation and I o can having for the shooting at Sandringham, i'aving bagged a pheasant there one night in '69. You won't go short of a few bob and YOu'll be able to get away at weekends. I suppose you'll have to go into the navy, cut ribbons and open bridges, plant trees on new housing estates, stand on balconies and Wave to American tourists, but at the end of the day you'll be able to put your feet up arid decree the odd nightcap or two. So there we are. We drank your health in the Coach and Horses last week — all week to be truthful — and although Norman is a bit choked that you're not Jewish he sends h regards. As for the bloke who said, 'Put not Your trust in princes,' he didn't know YOU, did he Bill? Well, I'll say cheerio now and remain Y°11r subjective subject, Jeff.
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