DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Another superb by-election victory party at HQ with lashings of Pol Roger! The vibe v much: ‘Humility and workmanlike determination to get on with the job of serving the British people.’ Jed made a fantastic speech about how jubilation should ring out throughout the land as Our Great Leader Dave basks in this his finest hour.
‘Let all of Britain dance on New Labour’s grave and stick two fingers up to the Great Clunking Disaster that is Gordon Brown! But above all, let not a hint of triumphalism pass our lips! Oh no. The people of this nation will not hear us Tories rubbing Labour’s nose in it, or singing our own praises, or getting complacent, or carried away with excitement.’ He’s quite right. That sort of attitude would completely spoil the awesomely incredible and unmitigatedly brilliant performance of Our Great Conservative party as it rampages towards Total Victory 2010!!
I got quite tearful and nearly couldn’t drink my champagne thinking of all the poor, desperate people we are going to be helping by scrapping stamp duty on shares and leaving the EU Social Chapter. I just wish we could get on with rescuing the country sooner.
TUESDAY Can’t move for baskets of exotic fruit and mini muffins which keep appearing with little cards wishing us well from people I’ve never heard of but who Poppy says are ‘extremely important in the business world’. I wish they’d stop. Am three pounds heavier than I was yesterday and there’s only so many opera tickets you can give away to your mother’s friends. Am going to start phoning and telling them to send vouchers for Wibberley Horse and Rider or Harvey Nicks. Otherwise it’s just a waste.
V useful strategy meeting for our forthcoming awayday at The Maltings Travel Haven and Conference Centre. We are calling it ‘Now That We Are Modernised’.
The idea is that with the rebranding done we need to start thinking about what we really stand for. Jed says we must not assume we can just dust off all Mr Redwood’s policy submissions and start believing in the virtuous cycle again. Then he went all misty-eyed and said we had to start thinking for ourselves because ‘I will not always be with you.’ What on earth can Jed mean?
WEDNESDAY Up half the night with the PMQs Team trying to think of new U-turns Dave can demand. Nigel ordered us to let our imaginations go wild, really go for it. ‘No policy reversal too big.’ Was tired enough, but then everyone called in for a ‘constructive and inclusive b*ll*cking’. Apparently the Miliband Unit is a mess. It was supposed to be coming up with proper attack stuff but has only submitted one idea centred around the fact that he’s got funny helmet hair, and can’t pronounce fantastic -— he says ‘fun-tustic’! Jed says this is shallow and inadequate, and I’m inclined to agree with him. What about his awful clothes, his deathly white pallor and the infuriating nasal quality in his voice? Are we just going to let the so-called Foreign Secretary off the hook for all of that?
THURSDAY Lot of unhappiness about the extra work involved in the awayday, which only got worse when Nigel handed out the hotel brochure. No mention of a swimming pool or spa. I do think that Now We Are Electable we might allow ourselves a bit of indulgence. The odd conference in Sandbanks or Cowes with a couple of rejuvenating seaweed wraps wouldn’t hurt, would it? Or is General Wellbeing not top of our agenda any more?
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