SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. s6

Report by Colin Shaw

The three Services are now making extensive use of conversational advertisements as an aid to recruiting, such as " Back at the factory Ted was a nice lad . .. never said much but thought a lot . . ." &c. A prize of i5 was offered for similar adveriketnents encouraging volunteers for one of the following positions : a Cabinet Minister. a Bishop, an orchestral conductor.

Perhaps I was wrong in thinking this type of advertisement was familiar to everyone. Many of the entries lacked any trace of the right idiom. Some competitors even launched out into verse. The peculiar horror of these Service advertisements lies in their determination to achieve matiness and the feeling of being " one of the boys." It was for some recognition of this that I looked. Cabinet Ministers outnumbered conductors, but the Bishops, bring- ing up the rear, produced most of the best entries. Of the conductors, I liked Miss H. M. Taylor's " We can tell you there's no finer life than making great music with a splendid body of chaps all working together." A. F. Wise. with several others, started off with "Time, Gentlemen, please," and offered free laundry as a special inducement. To prospective Cabinet Ministers J. E. Paul held out the bait of the social life: " Very important these days. I remember the reception for the Austonian delegation in '49. . . ."

John Gore dwelt lovingly on the retirement prospects for Ministers, while Douglas Hawson's " Harry " made his name by losing fifty million with the Antarctic Ice-Cream Development Corporation. T. Gondris extended the promise of " wings for everyone " who stayed the hard course of a Bishop's training. Mrs. A. G. Birch, although obviously Influenced by the Horlick's dramas, nearly qualified for a prize with her talk of Mrs. Proudie. Finally Wilfred Robinson invited all intending Bishops to write for the free booklet, " There's a place for me in the Vacant See."

When it came to the prize-winners, I found it hard to decide between D. R. Peddy and Squadron-Leader Powell. However, I chose Mr. Peddy in the end and recommend a first prize of two pounds for him. He kept up exactly the right note throughout. I recommend a second prize of thirty shillings for Squadron- Leader Powell, who had some delightful absurdities. I also recom- mend two third prizes of fifteen shillings for G. R. Smith and A. H. Baynes. A. M. Sayers was a dose runner-up.

FIRST PRIZE (D. R. PEDDY)

Adventure begins at 571

I wasn't surprised when my boy Tom came to me and said he wanted to take the plunge and get into the Cabinet. The youngster's got grit, and I'd thought for some time his heart wasn't in it on the back bench. Then one night he said to me: " It doesn't get a fellow anywhere, Dad, just doing what the Whips say and matthing 'into lobbies and nursing a shaky constituency like East Macton. - I want to branch out on my own, and if you do that where I am they call yeki a rebel and you get the sack. So I'm putting in for that job at the Ministry of Agriculture. I've heard that a chap with brains can get to be a Secretary of State in three years if he's a good party man and doesn't talk out of turn. Even if you drop an occasional clanger it usually only means a Cabinet re-shuffle, which gives you a change. There's lots of other advantages, too, that blokes don't get on the back bench—you start off as a Rt. Hon., and the pay's good—£l00 a week! Long hours, of course, but when you finish your time you're still on the Privy Council and you're in the running for a nationalised industry job, as well as being in the House of Lords, if you've done well."

It quite took me back to my young days. "Let him go, Mum," I said.

SECOND PRIZE

(SQUADRON-LEADER I. F. POWELL)

Ever since Chrys had been unfrocked, Mabel had felt out of things. The new life was what she had always wanted—a husband free at the week-ends, the flat and a window-box, no church parades, Chrys back in civvies, a bit of private life and a free atmosphere instead of the Close. Yet something was missing—what was it ? Chrys couldn't settle either. He looked so ordinary, somehow, out of uniform ; the gaiters had delineated those sturdy calves now hidden in 'nondescript trousers, the apron had emphasised his imposing presence, and a check cap wasn't the same as the jaunty old top-hat with the brave flash of its antennae.

Chrys wasn't his old self either. Outside the church there seemed no future to his life. What could the new Church offer him ? As a Bishop he could get good pay, FREE QUARTERS, and the services of a chaplain (there are special non-marriage allowances for the celibate), good chances of promotion. (with a name like Chrysostom he might even get to the top—alliteration always helps). Remember the motto of the new Church: "Birettas for go-getters and a mitre for every blighter."

And for Mabel ? Better life in a palace with a contented husband....

THIRD PRIZES (G. R. SMITH) Johann's always on the beat . . .

No, not that of the constable, but he's a first violin. He's a first-class man at his job, too—plenty of strings to his bow. Soon he'll be receiving that 'larger salary as a conductor. I like conducting myself—especially Promenade Concerts; you've got to watch the score and be instrumental in maintaining the orchestra at concert-pitch. I remember when I was guest-conductor at the Opera House, Milan....

(A. H. BAYNES)

Bert's thumping the box . . .

No, not a soap-box, even though he is standing up and "spouting"! The " box" is the despatch-box in the House of Commons, and the fact that he's thumping it shows that he is speaking from the Front Bench. He's good at it, too—he can thump louder than anyone on the Opposi- tion Front Bench, and can read from his script without ever missing out a word. It won't be long before he's picking up his extra pay and allowances as Prime• Minister. Already he's a Cabinet Minister at £5,001) a year. •

I'd like to be a Cabinet Minister myself, especially now that the House of Commons seems so much livelier than it used to be ; you have to stay awake quite a lot of the time to keep up a reputation as a smart government.

Make THE CABINET your career. The Cabinet needs the right men now. Pay and prospects are good.