30 JUNE 1990, Page 40

Metamorphoses

Women spread sideways, by vegetative means.

Planted in their cache-peau in the sitting room, tendrils a-twitch, like centipedes, they sniff out dirt beneath the objects on the mantelpiece. They send out secret runners, sidling under floorboards, to emerge as a vase here, a 'this is how I like the linen folded' there.

Whereas we men grow straight as spires, shoulders back, head up like tall trees tilting skywards; we cash our pollen in for leaves: to chuck about; to roll into cigars; to wipe ourselves with. Then, pin-stripes creasing nicely at the knees, flapping our arms majestically, we ready, steady ourselves for our final launch into space from our own branches.

Don Rodgers