The Spectator's Sixth Form Prize (,50 runner-up prize winner)

A winter's tale

Carmen Wheatley

Little children, gather round and listen to the tale of Glooble, the Dragon-hating Glob.

Now, what is a glob? Well, a glob is a plump, purple hairy thing with ears like brass trombones, eyes that go pop like cuckoo clocks, and feet that curl under its chin. A glob is intelligent because it has a halo instead of a brain, and a halo, as everyone knows is better than a brain. Globs have strange and whimsical ways; being strict vegetarians they live entirely on mayonnaise and avocado pears. Globs like to think they are related to the Lesser Spotted Hippogriff, live in revolving, green clouds, are usually seen upside down, and every ten years have a bath in "Glob-restoring " bath-salts.

So now that you know what globs are; here is a tale about the most adventurous glob of all.

" Once upon a time, in the wonderful land of Glob, where fudge grows on trees and the water is rum, there lived a 'little glob named Glooble. Glooble was a glob of very auspicious beginnings; he had been brought up by an eccentric water-rat, Don Geronimo of the Long Whiskers, artist and composer extraordinary. His mother, an incurable romantic, had sent him down the Mississippi river in a reed basket, almost as soon as he could squeak, having been captivated by the story of Moses, and believing her little darling to be marked for posterity, as indeed subsequent events were to prove. Well one day when Glooble had grown to globhood,* he went to Glown, the capital city of Glob, took out all his savings, bought himself some silver bells, and went to see King Globblestein VIII.

At court he introduced himself as Sir Globstopper the Brave, a wandering knight in search of the Cat with the Wonderful Nose.

" Did the king have any problems?"

"Why, yes!!" said Globblestein the longfaced, "the border globs seem to be having a spot of trouble with a wily witch who keeps a ferocious pink, pet dragon. Yet even now I have sent my trusty knight, Eustacius Fang on the job. So trouble yourself no further."

Glooble however was not to be daunted by this, believing the king had made a mistake, he saddled his globdog, and rode off into the sunset. It took three whole days and three whole nights to reach the border, and Glooble had to journey through the cold volcanoes, through the Misty Mountains, past the castles of the Albatrosses and the great, white waterfalls, till he came to the cave by the great Puddle Lake, the home of Grizzly witch.

Now Grizzly witch was a fearful sight to see; from the top of her head to the tip of her claws, her long, thin, spiky skeleton was covered in translucent frog's skin that had the property of changing colour to suit her moods, but varied little because Grizzly witch was usually either green with envy or red with rage — or striped if she felt both at the same time — and sometimes, when she saw happy globs, she was yellow and ill. Right in the middle of her wrinkled chin was a deep, dark bottomless eye in which flickered wolfish, yellow gleams which were rumoured to be the very fires of hell. Her head was bald as an egg except for a shaving-brush type tuft of red hair which fell over a nose that curled over and under like a pig's tail. Out of her ears sprouted two, long straggling beards and where her navel should have been there was a bright red hairy wart. Not surprisingly the trusty Eustacius Fang, who had arrived a few days before Glooble, found her extraordinarily gruesome and repulsive, and his knees began to rattle as he asked her in. a tremulous quaver what he must do to stop her from troubling the land of Glob. With a tusky grin and a voice as deep as a gong, Grizzly witch replied, "I will set you three tasks, yea, and do them you must in a year and a day. For if you fail . . . you can join the congregation." And at this point the old hag motioned towards a hissing, writhing, venomous mass of black toads, slimy snakes, hairy spiders, scorpions and other ghoulies. "The first task," she continued, "you must build a city of snow on the Equator, in which you must imprison the East wind, having first found, captured and tamed him. The second task is to bring back the heart of Wriggly Snake, the Troll King's undertaker. The third task is this, you must travel to the Land of Fire and rescue the cellulose Bishop from the Never-ending glass tower." Having said this the old hag vanished most unsociably in a puff of purple-spotted smoke.

The very next day Eustacius Fang set sail. Presently however things began to look a little grim for him: for as he neared the equator his cargo of snow began to thaw, the fleet went down to the bottom of the big, blue sea, and Eustacius Fang was obliged to swim the remaining distance. Yet great was his dismay to find that the dwellers of the Middle of the World, when asked advice about how to capture the East wind, promptly sent for the witch-doctor, who, fearing for his sanity, sagely prescribed that Eustacius should be buried alive in feathers and sat upon for a year and a day..

,

Eustacius however was not going to stand by and let this happen, so he hitched a lift from the first vulture he met travelling North and went straight to the Troll King's court. This was a very gloomy place for the Trolls, exceedingly slovenly, little creatures loved to wallow in subterranean mud and hung the remaining free space with giant cobwebs which they wove in order to rent to unaccommodated spiders whose silk supply had run dry.

Eustacius did not linger long in that dark abode, for no sooner had he set foot within its cavernous depths than he was forced to make a somewhat precipitous retreat by a welcoming committee of big, brown, brawny Trolls, brandishing great, thorny clubs.

When it came to the third task Eustacius congratulated himself on his ingenuity, for with the aid of a vaulting pole he leapt right across the land of fire and arrived at the steps of the Never-ending Glass tower with not a single feather singed. Yet, oh, too late, he discovered he had left his climbing boots behind! Poor Eustacius would have remained at the foot of the tower to this very day if it had not been for the arrival of Glooble.

Glooble had lost no time, and still as determined as ever but at a loss as to how to set about accomplishing the tasks, had decided to travel in search of Wisdom. Early one morning he heard a terrible squealing in a nearby monastery. On investigation it proved to be a jelly-fish caught in a crocodile-tooth trap. Glooble good naturedly released it and then the little blob of slime changed identity, it became a monacled valetudinarian: "Allow me to introduce myself, Fergus, the Wizard of Slumberdown Creek. What can I do for you?" • On hearing Glooble's problems Fergus took out his magic bottle of vodka, mumbled some Fergusmagic, then said to Glooble, " Take this rope and fling it round the first wild iceberg . you meet. If you ask politely the silver-blue dolphins will drag it down to the equator for you, and sure as bricks the East wind will follow. Now here are the plans for a city-sized cooling-box (what he meant was a fridge but they were not supposed to have known that in those days). Make sure you carve the iceberg inside the box and it won't melt.

"To capture Wriggly Snake take this giant magnet, his body is covered with spiky, metal horns. Rub him with a cactus bush and his heart will pop out. When you go to the neverending glass tower take some snuff for the Bishop's warden and remember to carry the Bishop back in this jam jar lest he should

melt!" .:,—,•,, ,;,,.• :1.1,1 .„ Glooble did as he was toldiand being,used'tb hard work did the tasks imhalfilthevtither.flOit the way back he rescued Elustaciur Fang.PAs soon as they arrived home Eustacius rukhed to the witch's cave intending to pass himself off for the hero. However he had forgotten the cellulose Bishop and Wriggly's heart. So Grizzly witch, guessing the truth, gave him a hymn-sheet, bid him be seated most ceremoniously, and by and by Eustacius realised he had become a toad amongst toads.

However Grizzly witch did not expect Glooble and when he arrived, fearing that all was lost, she let out her faitp11,11: bodyguard; Pink Dragon, Glooble, with his sword .steeped in dragon poison, stabbled Pink dragoh in the hump. Unfortunately Pink dragon didn't die, but, like the good dragon he was, breathed purple fire and got down to true dragon

business. .

Glooble was doomed, yet not for long, he promised to make Pink dragon the richest dragon on earth if he would spare his life. Pink dragon was so avaricious that he promptly agreed. Yet no sooner had Pink dragon turned his back on Glooble, than Glooble,.,,,,an",n,in . the art ofdissection, had stripped MIR' tagon; 1)1 of his luminous, green coat analatVaab hrik, fire-breathing machine. .61?)§W triumphed. Grizzly Witch's • Witi'VA'd .r?ear ''at.' hand. Somewhere in the 'iliStahfrema "owl 'hooted and the town clock StrtickqWe'llie, and at that moment, cursing her laSft.ifizAY Witch turned into a giant, treadle-II:Xing' 'Slug and slithered off into the marsh. ''' '' After three whole days 'ilrAl thl'ee whole nights Glooble arrived once More (ff.ie court

of King Globblestein. I. : ; it.H

The king gave him a magnitkent'Welcome. The feasting and meny-making lasted a hundred years, after which the king married his twenty-one cross-eyed daughters to Sir Glooble, the Knight of the Pink dragon. His was all the honour and fame and glory that Globblestein had to give, and when Globblestein went to heaven, which he undoubtedly did, he named Glooble his heir.

This tale was told throughout the land of Glob for many years to come, and many saw the wisdom of being a glob with all his wits about him, and those who did not were sent to the Devil.