Pools Fans' Pin-Up

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 465: Report by Pibwob Competitors were asked to provide the pools fan with a verse addressed to his pin.

. B. CAUSER reminds us that 'gambling's a sin,' and several competitors discovered that 'pools' aptly rhymes with `fools'; while R. L. Sadler (whose Lewis Carroll parody would have gained a prize had it not tragically exceeded the sixteen.- line limit) comments: Leading journals now (except The Tittles and the Spectator)

All publish football forecasts to assist the permutator.

And yet some eighty Spectator readers here con- fess that they are pools fans. Well, well! Considering that the theme was somewhat restricted, there was considerable variety in treat- ment. Indeed, unexpectedly perhaps, there were some sonnets, including those of J. A. Aitken and Barbara Roe.

Most of the entries address a hopeful pin, though J. A. C. Morrison qualifies his optimism with

Let's hope you're right. Perhaps you are; p'raps not.

Several competitors sank to offering a bribe, such as gold or platinum plating, a sumptuous tie to wear, dr a troupe of angels to dance on its point. Gloria Prince and Nan Wishart contrived dex- terous monorhymed petitions. `April's' Scottish charwoman, learning that `folk hae made an Elocution brain,' suggests, `Wee PIN—your heid's mebbe better nor mine.'

The curses of the disappointed were loud and deep. Most tragic of all are the two competitors whose mentors pricked eight draws, but who omitted to post their coupons. Those mentioned above are commended; and I suggest prizes of two guineas each to Rhoda Tuck Pook for her gruesome incantation and to W. Tyldesley for his post-mortem on a win; and a guinea each to Margot Crosse for alliterative ingenuity, and to F. G. Cracknell for cataloguing his pin's idiocy.

PRIZES

(RHODA TUCK POOK) CONJURATION

Vertebra of centre-half Savaged by a piebald calf; Trainer's gall and linesman's spleen, Both exhumed at Hallowe'en; Cartilage of inside-right Buried by corpse-candlelight; Duodenum of a ref., •

Lynched through acting blind and deaf; Marrow from a goalie's hips Butchered during an eclipse; Nerve from one I loathe the most— Soccer prophet of the Post. Pin, within this brew of hell

Sink your point, and guide me well!

May the warlock's draught enhance My prospects for the Treble Chance.

(w. TYLDESLEY)

Yer won me seventy fahsand nicker.

It give me such a turn It stopped me pore old bleedin' ticker, So nah I'm where they never bicker Wiv me ashes in an urn.

The Treble Chance 'as done me in,

And nah I'm in a pickle.

The missus wears a big fat grin, And blimey, is she fickle!

Why did I 'ave to go and win?

I 'oped you was a lucky pin And not the Old Cock's Sickle.

(MARGOT CROSSE)

Proverbial pick-up, precious PIN, prepare! Prove perspicacious; prudently planning, prick (Prophetical) f-winning Id. Points.

Pierce paper properly, producing plums Promoting perfect prospects, pockets packed, Purses pelf-padded, pictures (public prints). Perceptive PIN, please persevere! ProCure Possible points precisely, prizes plan; Proceed; pursue; plunge! Pretty PIN, Poverty palls, pending Pools-payment post, Pray pardon poor penurious person's prayer{.

(e. G. CRACKNELL)

0 pointless, unprophetic Pin Who picked out Blundertown to win!

Pin stupid, Pin without a head.

Pin by some brainless pin-.god led

To pick, with pitiless precision The Failure of the Fifth Division!

The team that none can fail to beat!

Whose forwards all have two left feet; Whose goalkeeper, as all can see, Is blinder than a referee; Whose full-backs seem to take a pride in scoring for the other side!

Get hence, and pin, in cottage wild, The napkin of some idiot child, And leave to purely human fools The task of doing Football Pools.