DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
Well, here they are! My exciting New Year’s Resolutions for 2007!
1) Make more policy
Controversial, I know. But after long chat with Jed am convinced that this is where I can make my mark. He says, and I agree, that policy is far too important to be left to politicians, ‘especially clueless Tories. This is a job for people who understand people, Tammy. Their hopes, their fears — goddamit, their dreams. It’s about knowing what they want — and giving it to them.’ Then he clicked his fingers in v sexy way. It’s becoming clear to me why he is in charge. Have already had some success with my 35 hour working week proposal. So, am going to spend Christmas on a new plan for people with pets to be given equal rights to paid parental leave. There must be literally millions of doggy votes in it — let’s help the paw!
2) Remain unmarried Despite IDS doing his best to force everyone to get married in a bid to cut crime, eliminate addiction and create a new Utopia (good luck with that, by the way!), am certain that Compassionate Cohabiting is the smart lifestyle option for the centre-right girl about town.
After all, Jed himself is living with girlfriend in one of west London’s most glamorous ‘power cohabitations’ and no one seems to think he would be better off married (possibly because he is middle class and rich, and that is actually the best recipe for stability according to secret briefing note on the IDS report).
Must try to persuade my tabloid paramour M to make an honest civil partner of me. (Maybe I need to leak him a few more emails about our real position on climate change? That last one went down a treat.) If no luck by end of year, will be single yet stable woman of substance, and investigate possibility of adopting child in manner of Angelina, pre-Brad.
3) Relaunch campaign for Dave to get a Hugh Grant close crop Failed miserably last time and this funny hedgehog look he’s sporting is the sad result. It reminds me of nothing so much as Aled Jones, circa Strictly Come Dancing Series 2. Surely we should be aiming for a Mark Ramprakash at the very least?
4) Be nicer to Mr Letwin Feel wretched when I think of all the times he’s come up to the press office to tell us his latest ‘Redwood walks into a Trekkie convention’ joke, and everyone has run off. If we encouraged him when he was in one of his giggly moods, perhaps he wouldn’t get so cross and have to spend hours in the tranquillity room.
5) Bond with Sam Got off to bad start at party chez Dave when, overawed by her strategic thinking summit in kitchen, I ended up buying a croc handbag in pathetic attempt to ingratiate myself. Things only got worse on Webcameron duty when I tried to film Dave getting into bed at night (on his suggestion I might add) — ‘Get that silly woman out of here!’ etc.
6) Get application in for Dave’s autumn conference pass
Will never forget General Sir Mike Jackson calling Mr Maude a ‘horrible little t***’ as he crashed around the accreditation centre at Bournemouth demanding his pass. Even now, Senator McCain’s people come over all sarcastic every time they call: ‘Did you manage to get inside your little town hall yeti I bet nice Mr Obama won’t be so rude....
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
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