Imperative cooking: don't take away, take over
IT WAS recently reported that dinner par- ties are a thing of the past. Mid-Nineties persons, apparently, find it all too much effort. Deo gratias. Has not this column been campaigning for more than ten years against the dinner party? Now we shall be able to invite chaps to dinner without the fear that, in return, they will inflict their incompetent, lazy and often mean cooking on us.
However, what replaces the dinner party is worse. Nineties people, for their return match, want to take us to a restaurant. And the problem with restaurants is that they have to cater for the average customer. He turns out to want the same awful things that were dispensed at the return match dinner parties.
But I have found a way out, a way of making restaurants acceptable. You have to take them over. And takeovers can be com- bined with another staple love of Impera- tive cooks, which is food expeditions.
Thus, a recent Wednesday 5.30 p.m. found a dozen hungry chums gathered at the Station pub in Woburn Sands. After a brisk pint, it was a dash over the level- crossing and onto the 18.00 one-carriage country express chugging through the love- ly countryside, all stops to Bedford. Arrival at 18.32. 18.32 to 20.00: tour of the pubs of Bedford (at least those with no young peo- ple in them). 20.00: pile into the tiny Bala Tandoori Centre. But not for the usual fare. For negotiations have taken place with Prop. Partners Kumars. 'We would like to come and fill every seat in your restaurant. What can you do for us?' Like lightning came the reply, 'Anything you want, sir, any Indian dish you wish, name it and it will be done.' And we could decide how we wanted it served: what breads with what dish, how big the dishes were to be. 'Anything you like, sir.' How much notice do you need?' One day, sir.'
And it came, bowlful after bowlful, mut- ton with marrow-bone, chicken with cumin, 'dry' meat, keema, kidneys, cheese and spinach, chana, potatoes, assorted breads, bowls of sauces, each dish carefully and individually spiced. The bill came to under £7 a chap, and no compulsory music, plenty of smoking, no young people, no people of any kind except us, plus the charming Kumars.
21.30: back to the station, scout pace for the last train, the 21.42. A little rest during the journey, a chew on a toothpick, the odd politically incorrect joke, the windows all open, the warm summer night air dispers- ing any eructations. Then a nightcap at the Station pub. In bed by 11 p.m. so as to be ready for the challenges and opportunities of another day.
The principles of the restaurant takeover are but two. First, there must be enough chums to fill all the seats. That means either lots of chums or a very small restau- rant, though I suppose one room in a multi- room restaurant would do. Too many chums is not a good idea. Quantity is usual- ly bought at the price of quality and you will find you have got a whiner, vegetarian, or possibly even a young person in the party. There are people who object to route marches between pubs or who refuse to bolt their beer or grub as in the plan or who develop ideas of their own. Even in my tiny party there was one person who, on the return train ride, looked as if he might be about to sing. So best is a small party and a small restaurant or room.
Second, it has to be a restaurant which responds to your requests with the entrepreneurial spirit and the expertise of the Kumars: 'Anything you name, sir, just one day's notice.' How many restaurants run by English fancy chefs would be up to it? Now there's an idea. Why not ring up and try a few? 'I want a grand aioli strictly according to the classical recipe (salt, cod etc.), none of your imaginative substitutes. I want eels, killed just after our arrival, then fried, with garlic, a cassoulet, and this time I shall tell you what goes in. You will serve it how we decide in bowls so we can help ourselves. We shall smoke as we like. You will simply smile and dance atten- dance on us. Under £7? Perhaps not, but it must be very cheap. Try it on that local bistro with the small back room. If it works, all to the good. If it doesn't, it will put them in their place till the next compulsory coulis.
One last tip. British Railways gave a 26 per cent reduction on group tickets for more than ten chaps. We saved just under £1 each. It requires official authorisation from the official authoriser. It takes about 14 telephone calls to three different sta- tions and a 12-mile drive to collect the ticket!
Digby Anderson
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