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COMPETITION

Very different story

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1921 you were asked to supply an authentic headline from a newspaper and attach to it a very differ- ent story from the one to which it originally applied.

A huge and hilarious entry, and so I shall cut the cackle to make way for as many winners as possible, pausing only to con- gratulate Richard Trim on his artful con- version of an advertisement for trainee ref- erees, headlined BE THE MAN IN THE MID- DLE, into a sculptor's appeal for 'lean, bearded, 30-year-old' applicants to pose for the figure of Jesus on the cross.

The prizewinners, printed below, earn £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Susannah Stapleton.

BR LOCKS TRAIN DOORS MEER COUPLING SNAPS

British Rail has revealed plans to instigate a rad- ical policy of segregation on commuter services, following evidence of 'indecent behaviour' amongst passengers. From April, men and women travelling on services from Brighton to London Victoria will be conveyed in separate carriages.

A BR spokesman said last night, 'Security cameras were installed on some services in the autumn after it came to our attention that a number of customers had been disregarding bye-

law 27.2(d), namely that shunting may only take place once train carriages are empty of passen- gers. This resulted in 93 arrests, but did not resolve the situation. We believe that this new policy will make it clear that such behaviour is unacceptable.' (Susannah Stapleton)

MRS SOAMES GETS HER OWN BACK

Selima Soames was literally taken aback yester- day. After three anxious years on hospital wait- ing lists, Selima, 34, will finally be fitted with her very own full-length spine and nervous system. Pretty brunette mum-of-three Selima was overjoyed at the prospect. 'Having no back- bone's been a right pain at times,' she told reporters. 'Now I'll be able to stand, sit, even move — really be my own person.? But backs don't come cheap, as hubby Kevin has found out. He expects to pick up a bill for around £6,500. 'Still, that includes a spare coccyx plus five years' parts and labour warranty. were

well chuffed.'

Clearly a case of Back to the Future for Key and Sel! (Mike Morrison)

COUNCIL PRUNES WORK ON TREE

Knackworth Borough Council announced yes- terday that the threatened `Mooners Oak' is now out of danger. Tree surgeons discovered last month that the ancient tree, famed as the leg- endary refuge of Lady Godiva after she was thrown by her horse, was suffering from 'arbore- al constipation'. This disease prevents the leaves from falling in the autumn and the sap from ris- ing in the spring.

Forestry experts prescribed a mulch of prunes slaked with syrup of figs. Council workers applied 3 cwt of this mixture, drawn from council emergency stores, around the roots of the tree. The result was amazing, if rather messy,' com- mented Councillor Len Kneestrap. 'Now we plan to see if the mixture works on blocked drains.' (Simon Rodwell)

FOOTBALL MAKES BIG PITCH FOR WOMEN FANS Northern League clubs are enjoying their suc- cess in attracting more women supporters. Most take the game seriously, but a few stand around inside the touchlines sipping tea and talking about their children. Rawtenstall officials who

tried to evict them were convicted of assault, while nine Clitheroe ladies, accidentally felled by a tackle, were awarded £14,000 each. They all disappeared with the cold weather, of course, but when they reassemble next spring they will find that several clubs have widened their pitch- es, dotted lines replacing the old touchlines to show when the ball is in play. Clubs that have not tried the scheme are waiting to see whether the women stay near the false touchlines or repossess the effective ones. (Denis Young)

LOW CHARGES NOT ALWAYS BEST

New approaches in the women's self-defence sphere suggest that the old adage 'Go for his balls' is becoming passé. Karate black-belt Kitty `Kicker' MacPhee used to advise her pupils to `think below the belt' and 'get in a side-kick or a knee lunge as pronto as possible'.

`Now,' she says, 'we aim for the nose and neck. You'd be surprised how many muggers and rapists these days have padded jocks, or even boxes. The old Adam's old adam's apple is still very vulnerable, though,' she added, ominously tapping me below the chin. I watched a group of girls chopping at anatomically labelled sections of upright planks with the edges of very obvious- ly hard hands. In future, fellows, watch out for

your NECKS! (Manna Blake)

POPE FINDS SPIRITS LOW IN VENEZUELA

Pope John Paul II, 75, in Caracas today complet- ed his whistle-stop tour of South America. Everywhere the ageing pontiff has encountered, alongside the applause of the faithful, an antago- nism which is based on the sensational growth of Protestant churches supported by Bible-Belt North Americans.

Members of the papal entourage have admit- ted that these demonstrations have troubled John Paul, adding privately that a serious logisti- cal failure has multiplied their effect. Everybody know that this Polish Pope takes a nightcap of the Cracow Bright Star Vodka to help his sleep, and it is now three days since his supplies were exhausted. No more can be obtained until he returns to Rome. (John Sweetman)

No. 1924: Houswoman

This months sees the centenary of the pub- lication date of A.E. Housman's A Shrop- shire Lad. You are invited to suppose that the poet was a woman and the book enti- tled A Shropshire Lass, and to provide a suitable poem from it (maximum 16 lines). Entries to 'Competition No. 1924' by 14 March.