Dear Mary. .
Q. I understand that real art is still being pur- chased by the discerning classes, and that making a good living from it is only a matter of being taken on by the right gallery. My boyfriend is an artist whose talent is not in question, but neither of us knows any of the 'right' people who could introduce us to the Cork Street gallery which could best exhibit his work. I know that unsolicited manuscripts are very rarely even looked at by publishers, and presume that this is equally the case with artists' portfolios. How can we ensure that the gallery we are aiming for gives his work Proper and unprejudiced consideration when We finally pluck up courage to approach it?
R W., Cleveland A. Trick the targeted gallery into being more receptive to your advances by the fol- lowing method. Let us say your boyfriend's name is David Consett. Engage an actress friend to ring up the gallery this month ask- ing, in an American accent, whether it has any David Consetts for sale. 'Oh, haven't You heard of him?' she can say. 'I was told You would be the gallery most likely to be representing him in England.' She can then go on to describe the work in a mouthwa- tering manner. Follow up this call next month with a similar inquiry from a French collector, eager to buy some David Con- Setts. When, in February, David Consett himself rings up to inquire whether he might come in to discuss the possibility of having a show, the gallery will no doubt welcome him with open arms.
Q. My house is served by a septic tank rather than mains drainage. How can I dis- courage my children and their friends from using too much lavatory paper? All too often I have to call in help from the farm to unplug the blockages which result.
MW, near Marlborough, Wiltshire A. Children find the sensuous quality of today's luxury lavatory paper irresistible. They enjoy the sense of power and the sat- isfying rolling sound afforded as a couple of metres accede to their bidding. Change their habits by supplying old-fashioned Izal- style loo-roll in sheet-at-a-time dispensing boxes. Being favoured by pensioners it is still available in all supermarkets. The greaseproof-paper-like quality of this prod- uct has no appeal for children and their profligacy will be naturally curbed.
Q. I have been rather embarrassed a few times recently by people like taxi-drivers and/or colleagues saying, 'Goodness, you must be rich', when they learn where I live. (It is actually only a tiny one-bedroom flat but has a fantastic top-floor view of Nelson's column, Westminster Abbey, etcetera.) Being rather slow on the uptake, I go a bit silent. Could you give me any tips for a smart riposte? I don't want to hurt any feel- ings but need some sort of barrier reaction. I would appreciate any suggestions.
Name and address withheld A. Say, with truth, 'Sadly it's only tempo- rary' (as is everything in life). Stall further probings by looking wistful.
Q. As godfather to a number of children I find it virtually impossible to shop for Christmas presents. Have you any sugges- tions, Mary?
MA, London SW3 A. Buy them all the same thing. Polaroid cameras go down very well with virtually all children between the ages of six and 16. You can buy them at Boots for £24.99, all ready to whirr out ten instantly developed photographs.
Previous page
