YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
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Dear Mary.
Q. I was gripped by Jeffrey Bernard's obser- vation (5 July) that when the police called on him about the possibility of his having witnessed a murder, the only thing they wanted to know was his date of birth. I was much embarrassed by this situation once, and wonder what you would have advised. Being lucky enough to look younger than my years and to make it easier to overcome age prejudice when seeking employment, I had made it a habit to lie about my age, sub- tracting five years. No one ever doubted me. I was in a bar with some acquaintances, including a man with whom I had recently struck up a romantic liaison, he being some four years younger than my supposed age. A customer grew angry with the landlord for refusing to serve him because he was drunk and punched the landlord on the nose. The police were called and proceeded to take statements from witnesses, including me. The first question they asked me was my date of birth. I was horrified and knew not what to do. To refuse to give it would have drawn attention to the very matter I did not wish to discuss, to reveal it might have jeopardised my burgeoning romance, and to lie to the police might have got me into trouble if the matter ever went to court. As it was I blushed, mumbled the true date and felt perfectly miserable. What should I have done? J.F., Penzance, Cornwall A. As you were a witness to this mini- crime and not the perpetrator of it, it would have been safe for you to give your correct birthday but the wrong year. The policeman would not have beamed the material into his computer to check on it there and then, and you could have rung the station later to make your correction in private. In the unlikely event of your being caught out, however, with the policeman saying, 'Hang on a minute, you were born in 1957 not 1962,' in front of your colleagues, you could have replied, 'Oh, I see. I thought you wanted my given age. Thirty-five is the age I use for profes- sional reasons and the age I'm known to be at work.' (I must warn readers that giv- ing misleading information to the police is a criminal offence.) Although my experts assure me it is highly unlikely that anyone would waste their time prosecuting some- one who had committed the crime of lying about her age in front of colleagues, you would, theoretically, run the risk of serving a short term of imprisonment.
Q. My son-in-law has discovered water colours in his middle age, and whenever he comes to stay makes a great show of paint- ing a different view of my house. On depar- ture he presents me with mere daubs, which I dislike, leaving me with no choice but to take them to the framers. As these costs are mounting, can you suggest some way to stem the creative tide without hurt- ing his feelings or those of my daughter?
Name and address withheld A. Collude with a neighbour so that the next time he comes to stay you can announce that you would like to commission him to paint this neighbour's house. Pretend you want to give her a present since you owe her a small favour. Say, 'She has admired the paintings you've done for me, so I know she would like one and I would insist on paying you for it.' Arrange to pay him a pepper- corn fee, then give the painting to the neighbour unframed. No doubt she will find a use for it, even if only to palm it off as a souvenir on one of her own house guests. You can repeat this method with a sequence of neighbours and local shop- keepers, enthusing each time that you have `found the ideal present' for people.
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