TAMZIN LIGHTWATER'S CONFERENCE DIARY

SUNDAY All eyes on the opening ceremony for what I'm sure will be a truly memorable performance by world-renowned professional speechmaker William Hague.

Owing to his impressive array of commitments on the premier after-dinner circuit, we don't get to hear his celebrated humming routine for free too often these days, so book your seats in the hall early for a barnstorming display of one-liners (and something to do with foreign policy).

Theresa May introduces 'an inspiring presentation of our Social Action projects'.

Bit of a problem with this one, I'm afraid. You would think candidates in marginal seats might be grateful for the chance to take their minds off leafleting by renovating the odd village hall in the name of Being the Change. Well, apparently not.

We could only find two candidates with anything useful to showcase — a chap in the Midlands who's turned a derelict scout hut into a Mother and Toddler GlassBlowing Club and a silly woman in East Anglia who's spraypainted a herd of sheep green. I'd give it a miss.

Keynote speech by Hezza on rebuilding our great northern cities. I think that should be rebuilding the Tories in our great northern cities — although I did once overhear Lord Tarzan musing about 'knocking it all down and starting again'.

Our Special Guest, the Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg.

I know, I know. If a certain former Terminator hadn't turned all girly-man, we might have a proper celebrity speaker, but unfortunately some faded Hollywood stars seem to think they're within their rights to send a useless video message just because we're six points behind in the polls. Well, I have news for you Mr Muscles — we'll be back. Maybe not this week, maybe not next, but when we are we'll remember who our friends were. Oh yes.

On the fringe: Making Poverty History with Andrew Mitchell. Always a treat to hear a fellow member of the Pony Club on the subject of Third World deprivation.

Parties: Jazz night with Conservatives at Work. Followed by champagne breakfast.

MONDAY 'Family and Opportunity', or Life, The Universe and Everything with Redwood and IDS. Whoever thought of putting these two together in a single session should be shot. (It was Poppy.) Apart from anything else, how are we going to make enough room backstage to fit the two huge teams of people who travel with JR and Smithy to stop them making cock-ups? It's a logistical nightmare. IDS leading a debate called 'Fixing Our Broken Society'. This could take some time. He's got new figures showing that 'Britain is the worst place in the developed world'. Gids will sum up and blame it all on Gordon. Excellent boost!

Fringe: The Answer to Obesity, with Andrew Lansley. I'd avoid this one. Once he starts banging on about his low-carb diet and Arena photoshoot it's hard to maintain the will to live.

'Are We On The Road To Nowhere?' with Theresa Villiers. I could answer that in one word but I won't because it wouldn't be sisterly.

Parties: The Conservative Future bash, for bright young things and yummy candidates. .

TUESDAY DD day! Our man in fatigues kicks off the Crime and Security debate. Expect a lot of jokes about not hugging hoodies. They're old, but he can do them. As usual he'll be nervous as a kitten, so please give him lots of support.

Mr Mitchell makes inspiring presentation on our trip to Rwanda. Certain curmudgeons were arguing we shouldn't remind people that Dave went to Africa during the floods. Thankfully sounder heads prevailed.

Ken Clarke on how we make politics more engaging. Can't tell you much about this. We've been nagging him for weeks to tell us what he's planning but he just keeps telling us to get our mopeds off his f—ing lawn!

Fringe: `Gangsta's Paradise', debate with special guests from Defending Da Hood. Innit!

Any Questions? with Oliver Letwin and David Willetts. Expect long queue afterwards for the Tranquillity Room (next to the 'Know Your Emotional Weight' stand in the main exhibition centre).

Parties: Gala dinner with cabaret by Spandau Ballet's Tony Hadley. Gold!

WEDNESDAY The Big Speech. Can't say too much. Dave made it clear at the planning meeting that if he reads 'a single line of this in that blasted Spectator diary' he would start sacking people. I don't want to make trouble. I just want everyone to have a lovely time and enjoy all the super debates.

Most important thing is yours truly doesn't get squiffy and repeat last year's little hiccup when she woke up next to a man claiming to be the bodyguard of the senator from the oven chips empire. This year, am not going to drink a drop.

Tamzin's Travels Tips: Try to arrive by train. Be assured Dave would if he could. He will be with you in Virgin second class in spirit. (Am just praying photographers don't snap him on Mr Spencer's airfield!) Tamzin's Fashion Tips: Tie guidelines still not finalised so best wear open neck and carry two colour options in pocket (green and purple preferred). Ladies, no Thatcher-inspired Ferragamo if you don't mind. Check out Sam's recent fashion shoot in Haipers for full list of approved designers and stockists. Thank you for your co-operation and see you in Blackpool!

Tamzin will be blogging throughout the conference on Coffee House. Don't miss her real-time, modern and compassionate reports on Dave's last pit-stop before No. 10 — www.spectatorco.uklcoffeehouse.