Westminster Corridors
Puzzle is imbued with the Yuletide spirit and cares not tuppence if elections are in the air bringing seasons of mists and mellow mendacity. He will send the readers to the plum duff with cheerful thoughts about the tribunes at Westminster. For this charitable purpose it will be necessary to avoid the front benches almost completely and turn to some of the fine chaps who keep party and government: ticking over.
What for example of that splendid fellow Mr Antony Buck, the Navy minister? Whilst another defence minister was causing much distress to the PM by his sedentary, indeed his supine, pursuits, Sailor Buck was proving his manhood more usefully by leaping into the sea to test the lifesaving procedures of the Senior Service, being suspended in mid-air between ships, jumping in and out of helicopters, climbing the rigging on a training ship, sharing the discomforts of a submarine exercise when the air conditioning broke down and many other intrepid feats which might even daunt the Skipper himself — fearless old salt that he is.
Lest anyone think that Sailor Buck is simply a frustrated fan of the late Errol Flynn (or the happily present Andrew Faulds) he has done much patient negotiating on the salaries, and conditions, of the vast number of civilians employed by the Navy. Long may he swash his buckle and Puzzle awards him a golden binnacle for his Christmas.
Voice from the wings
And what, indeed, of the vociferous Thespian Faulds? Puzzle is glad to say that after a period of some quiet he is back to his histrionic best, bellowing greatly at things which displease him, trying to lure the Scotch Housewife, Mistress MacDonald, to sit beside him in the Commons, and achieving the rare distinction of being sacked as a front bench spokesman on the Arts for "uncomradely behaviour".
Pish and Tush, says Puzzle, the fellow is the merriest of them all. And full marks to the young Tory MP who dealt with his excessive. virility on a recent Parliamentary excursion when the bold Faulds was making conversation unsuccesfully with an attractive lady because he did not speak her language. 'the young Tory gallant acted as interpreter to such effect that the young lady probably believed the old thespian to be a religious zealot which readily accounted for his flashing eyes and stroking of the beard. To
Brother Faulds, Puzzle awards a copy of Lord Longford's book on Humility.
To Mr Kenneth Biker the Civil Service minister there has fallen the task of inducing control of the population. How, in God's name, he will do it I leave to this gifted youngster. On one thing, however, Puzzle must offer some counsel: it will be of no value following the cigarette smoking campaign and telling people to stop, or even tattooing government warnings on nubile young ladies. Arturo Toscanini, the great conductor, once said that he smoked his first cigarette and kissed his first girl on the same day; after which he had no time for tobacco. So the task facing the worthy Baker is indeed a formidable one — although he is in company with Mr James Prior who will make a wonderful horrible example. Still the Civil Service chief can ponder some success as he sits in that extraordinary building decorated with strange grey geometric figures, which Puzzle can only explain by surmising that Sailor Buck was trying out some new camouflage deligns for his frigates. There has been a reduction, a nett reduction, in the number of civil servants in accordance with pledges before the election. There, _ Puzzle, has offered good cheer to hard-pressed constituency workers. To Kenneth Baker himself Puzzle offers the Order of the Cold Bath, which he will, no doubt, be sternly advocating in future.
Son of the soil
There are other good fellows and true around. What of Farmer Stodart at Ag and Fish? He replies to his constituents in longhand and keeps a golfing device in his office which fires back the ball if it is putted at the correct speed. He is a philosophical chap who cheerily tells English farmers who complain that they should try harvesting on his acreage in Scotland, dealing all the while with brucelosis and barleycorn and the other extraordinary things to be found in Ag and Fish, such as Mr Prior and Mr Peart.
When Farmer Stodart first became a minister it was at the Scottish Office and he was told that he would have to make an immediate statement on the explosive subject of "winter keep" for which purpose a meeting would be held of local peoplc, in Crianlarich. Somewhat nervously he faced the gathering which he was sure would be hostile. They took his stern pronouncements on this vital topic without a word. This astonished him somewhat until he discovered he had been speaking to a group of railwaymen. A cheery fellow, Puzzle awards him a Shell guide to Iceland.
And many other good and worthy men are to be found around the corridors of Westminister who warm the cold days of frugality. Frank McElhine, the cheery Sancho Panza to Don Tony Benn, arranges special food parcels to his elderly deprived constituents in the Gorbals, whilst, in Essex, the jolly knight Sir Bernard Braine enjoys a well-earned turkey having worked so hard to build children's homes this year — when he is not scorching ministers for daring to threaten the environment in Essex.
Mistress Joan Lestor will have a merry Christmas surrounded by the children she has taken into her care and good Christian men such as Master St John Stevas, Mr Peter Mills, Presbyter David Steel and many other devout fellows will spend their Christmas at religious devotions of one sort or another.
These are but examples of the many members who do good and charitable duties, so Puzzle reminds his readers that it is not only ambition which stalks the corridors of Westminster but, at times, goodness. Which is all too much for an aged roue like Puzzle. He departs for the glass of cheering punch and wishes all the compliments of the season.
Tom Puzzle
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