Share hell
Vanessa Tyre11-Kenyon
OVER the last five years I've had the pleasure of renting out rooms to friends and friends of friends to help pay for my mortgage. After eight or nine different flatmates, I've become something of an authority. Sharing your home with someone should not be taken lightly, and it's a good idea to make some background checks first. Here are just some of the many points worth considering.
Male or female? In general, boys are easier to deal with than girls. Mention a niggling but banal worry to a girl ('Might you possibly, maybe, remember to turn the oven off next time you cook?'), and she will take it as a personal insult. She may become aggressive and bitchy, or, far worse, tearful and withdrawn, greeting you with frosty silences. A boy, on the other hand, takes it on the chin — although, in reality, your request has probably gone in one ear and straight out the other. Girls are also more territorial than boys, desperate for their own 'space' and tending always to use the same 'special' mug/plate, etc. Or perhaps I've just never caught one of my male flatmates marking out his territory at night.
Smoker or non-smoker? This obviously doesn't apply if you are a non-smoker. If you're a smoker like me, it's likely that a non-smoker won't want to come within an inch of your nicotine-stained corridors. You'll have no choice but to settle for a smoker. Welcome to anxious weekends away, wondering, as you turn the corner into your street on your return, whether you'll be greeted by a smouldering pile of rubble. Welcome, too, to sleepless nights. If you don't ban smoking in the bedroom, you'll be waiting up for hours until your flatmate has gone to sleep, and then you'll find yourself hanging around outside the door, sniffing for burning smells. You may even end up sneaking into their bedroom to make sure nothing is beginning to smoulder. Or you could settle for some extra smoke alarms — about three outside their door should suffice if you're really paranoid. And then there are the desperate, furtive spot searches of the carpet for any tell-tale burn marks whenever your flatmate goes out. Tip: go for a roll-up smoker. At least the cigarettes go out if left in the ashtray when the smoker falls asleep. Alternatively, now may be the perfect time to give up smoking.
Botanist? Your home may look verdantly glorious with all its foliage while you're there, but at some point you're going to need to take a holiday. Simple written instructions will be of no help. Even the most well-educated-seeming flatmates will manage to translate 'Please do NOT water the orchid AT ALL' as 'Please drench the poor thing as soon as I set foot outside the door'. You could ask a reliable neighbour to come in, but you risk putting your flatmate's nose out of joint. (NB: this can be a good ousting tactic.) Or you could just resign yourself to going away only in the winter when your house plants won't mind, and concrete over the garden.
Bathroom habits? Here's where girls definitely come out on top. You will be surprised how many bathroom products boys actually have. And they will have no compunction about moving your shampoo from its special place to be replaced by their razors/shower gel/Body Shop face packs. You will most certainly have to live with bits of shaved beard in the sink, and probably not be able to use the bathroom at all on Sundays. Another advantage to female flatmates is that they usually know what cleaning liquid, cloths and bleach all do, and why they are in the bathroom in the first place.
Kitchen? If you both enjoy dinner parties, then it can be good having a new pool of friends to tap into. But sharing the oven when your flatmate is cooking a baked potato and you want to slow-roast some lamb can be frustrating. Then again, so can the constant clicking of a microwave, and having to clean up those empty white plastic dishes with scorched, dry bits on the side. You'll want to avoid getting into stand-offs over emptying the kitchen bin: if you don't lay down the law early, you'll find yourself spending hours just trying to balance one more apple core on top of the overflowing rubbish, or slipping a used tea bag into the tiny space between the mouldy orange and the empty milk carton.
Alcoholic? This is always OK as long as you are one too. By the time you both get to bed, you won't care whether or not he/she has set fire to the bed or thrown up all over the bathroom. And if you've been arguing, at least you won't remember what about in the morning. Beware: if you're not an alcoholic yet, you probably will be by the time you're ready to kick your flatmate out.
Boyfriend/girlfriend? If they spend most of the week at their other halts flat — fine. But if your flat's nicer than the other one, expect to be slowly pushed out of your own home by canoodling or arguing couples. Things really start to look bleak when you get back late from work and there's a couple sitting in the dark in conspiratorial silence with Sleepless in Seattle playing on the video. If your new flatmate is a serial adulterer, you can find yourself in some tricky caughtin-the-middle situations in which you'll find yourself getting the blame from everyone involved if he/she gets caught out.
TV watcher? If you're looking for company, check whether the potential flatmate is bringing their own TV/video. It can be quite soul-destroying having a closed door to talk to whenever you get home. However, this can be a good thing, too, if you would really rather be on your own — as long as they're not into war films. slightly deaf and an insomniac. Alternatively, if they're going to be in your sitting-room watching reality TV shows all night, it could interfere with your cosy Monday evenings in with John Peel and Home Truths on the radio.
Insomniac? See above about TV. And remember, if they need a loud TV, they'll need a loud stereo, too. If they've got decks, ask them to search for another room.
Precious things? Hide them all away. It is remarkable how the most graceful-looking flatmate becomes as awkward as a seal on land when having to negotiate around glass candlestick holders and family heirlooms.
Bills inclusive or not? Definitely inclusive. You will be amazed how the best of flatmates can forget to visit the cash machine and how complicated bills can become to work out. Obviously not the phone bill, however. And if your flatmate turns out to be a compulsive tumble-drier user, you may want to reconsider.
After a while, a flatmate becomes like a boyfriend at the end of a relationship. All the endearing little things you didn't mind at the beginning — the inability to close the front door quietly, the shoes that you trip over whenever you get home — become enough to send you into the most violent and irrational rage. At which point, it's time to kick them out and start all over again.
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