MONDAY Confusion and misery. Everyone saying Dave has made his
first mistake and, quite frankly, I’m beginning to think so myself. If I wasn’t a Cameroon from my Brora bobble hat to my King’s Road pedicure, I wouldn’t know what we stand for at the minute.
It seems that people actually believe the policy commissions are producing ideas that are going to make it into our manifesto! This is one eventuality we hadn’t bargained for. I mean, how could we have predicted people would believe Dave is going to adopt £21 billion worth of tax cuts? Now we’re getting hammered by Mr Brown’s nasty people called Ed for promising things we never were going to promise. Actually. Only now we’re not going to get any votes for not promising them. Or something.
Jed is furious. Says people aren’t meant to be taking any of this seriously yet. ‘We are still in the conception phase.’ Says we need a radical relaunch (hope this means Dave’s going to get new hairdo). Nigel suggests a new slogan: ‘Don’t look now, we’re not ready yet.’ TUESDAY WEDNESDAY Everyone clearing out their computer files and shredding paper all over the office floor. Poppy says it’s part of her pre-Christmas clearout. Have decided to go through my saved documents and check for anything embarrassing....
Omygod. I can’t believe I kept those pictures of Alan Milburn with the made-up captions. Also found first three chapters of a novel called ‘Labour of Love’ about ‘a handsome exminister from the north’ who falls for a beautiful Conservative aide. Deleted and printed it off and shredded it just to be safe.
THURSDAY Mr Rhymefest on the phone again. Asking if Dave liked the ‘wicked’ policy idea he faxed him last week. Something about paying grandparents a wage to look after children. Honestly, doesn’t he have some gun crime to sing about?
He bored Dave rigid the other day. Wanted to know about spending commitments, and constitutional reform and our stance on the Middle East. Pur-lease! Just when we thought he was ready to go, he demanded we get him a copy of Hansard for his friend Busta Rhymes (are they related?) We haven’t been down to the stationery office since Kylie came for lunch and insisted on seeing the written answers. These celebrities are so wacky!
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
Six per cent ahead! Jed says he always knew the strategy was working. ‘What we need is more of the same.’ (Which probably means the Kim Jong-Il bouffant is here to stay.) Terrible news about poor Mr Howard. Lot of v odd emails going round. A global one to all MPs and staff: ‘Some of you may be thinking now is a very good time to delete all files that might get you into horrendous trouble. Can we stress that such a move, while being entirely straightforward and easy to perform, would be highly irregular.’ Some good news — Nigel says I may be part of the team going on our top secret mission to Darfur! Which means I get to travel in the private jet with Dave and dishy Mr Mitchell, who is terrific fun and knows everything there is to know about ponies. (He is so devoted he rides his daughter’s Shetland round the garden even though his feet drag on the floor. He should really start vodcasting!)
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