COMPETITION
In Competition No. 1426 you were asked for a police report on some 'incident' in the flat-footed style of, for example, a chief constable's recent pronouncement on the hippy convoy.
Except for Keith Norman's own, cul- tured, chief constable with his English version of a passage from Euripides' Bac- chae (those earlier disturbers of the peace), there were no top cops among your police- men, and only the occasional panda crew. The rest were constables, modest pounders of the beat stolidly (and stoically) facing a variety of situations demanding action from Ralph Sadler's men from outer space and David Harris's escaped elephant in need of resuscitation to the more run-of- the-mill demonstrators, football fans and streakers.
However, adding a touch of something extra to an otherwise pedestrian and unim- aginative account presented no difficulty to the prizewinners printed below, who re- ceive flO each, or to runners-up Basil Ransome-Davies, Gerard Benson and Chris Smith. The bonus bottle of Comte de Robart Champagne (Rosé Brut), pre- sented by the Ebury Wine Company, 139 Ebury St., London SW1, passes into the custody of Peter Norman.
Constable country
Charles Seaton
I encountered the defendant outside the gates of Buckingham Palace, where his wooden shelter appeared to constitute a potential obstruction. I inquired whether he did not think his ostenta- tious style of dress provocative and likely to cause an affray, but elicited no response. I surmised from his rigid stance and blank ex- pression that he might well be under the influence of narcotic drugs, and cautioned him. He continued to exercise his right not to make a statement. At this point I observed that he was in possession of an offensive weapon, and when he failed to produce a valid firearms certificate I decided to place him under arrest. During the exercise of my duty, however, he assaulted me with the blunt end of the aforesaid firearm and resumed his rigid posture. Concluding that the man might well be a dangerous terrorist, I withdrew to summon assistance.
(Peter Norman) On the evening in question I was proceeding on nocturnal patrol along Orchard Road when my suspicions were aroused by indications of move-
ment in motor vehicle number RAM 111 sta- tioned on the verge. The time was 23.47. As I approached, the vehicle commenced to oscillate in a highly suspicious manner. Directing my flashlight through the rear offside window, I observed male and female accused in a condition of partial undress. On my endeavouring to ascertain what they were doing, female accused responded, 'We are making tea sunshine what do you think.' No evidence of tea-making equipment or activity was discovered when the vehicle was subjected to search procedures. I requested them to accompany me to the station, whereupon male accused indicated that intimacy was or had been taking place, improperly offering me an alcoholic inducement, which declined. The vehicle licence and MoT certifi-
cate were in order. (Noel Petty)
At 2.40 a.m. I was proceeding on foot in an easterly direction up the High Street when I perceived something unusual happening outside the Star Inn, some 100 yards up the road on the left hand ride. Quickening my pace I approached the inn, where I observed seven male persons, who from their clothing and demeanour I judged to be farm labourers, clamouring for entrance to the outbuildings of the said inn.
Whilst I was questioning these men, the innkeeper emerged, in his night clothes. After opening and shutting his mouth several times he said, 'Look behind you, officer.' I turned round and observed a person of unknown sex and origin, wearing a long white frock and wings. He
or she said, 'Glory be to God in the highest, and on earth, peace, goodwill to all men,' whereup- on I cautioned the whole party for creating a public disturbance. (Katie Mallett)
I was proceeding along Princess Boulevard when I observed that the equestrian statue of the Earl of Beaconsfield had been maliciously defaced with 'MAGI THATcfnia owe in peacock blue paint on the horse's rear. A close surveillance of the site of the outrage showed a trail of peacock blue paint going up Kingsley Avenue. I followed it and observed another `MAGI THATCHUR owe on the gate of Owtram's Bakery. I proceeded to an entry where I observed the accused in unnatural slumber in a one-wheeled con- veyance, brush in hand and a pot of peacock blue paint at his feet. A politely-worded request to accompany me to the station failed to produce an effect. I was driven to the conclusion that the accused was in an advanced stage of intoxica- tion, and it would be in his best interest for me to wheel him to the station, which I proceeded
to do. (George Moor)
Acting upon information given by a woman pedestrian, I approached the accused. After first cautioning him, I warned him that his behaviour appeared to contravene the Public Decency Law, Section 3, and that a complaint had been laid by a member of the public. He replied that he did not think there was anything to complain of, adding that, on the contrary, in his honest opinion, there was something to boast about. I warned him not to be facetious, and again cautioned him and requested him to do up his trousers, or button his raincoat. I then informed him I was arresting him, and invited him to accompany me to headquarters. As he resisted, put a double armlock on him, using the minimum force, and, with my disengaged hand holding my helmet in front of his person, so .as not to offend passers-by, conducted him to the
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