CONVERSATION PIECE

By ANN TODD

" WELL, dear, have you looked at the map?" "No, dear, I have not. I don't hold with maps. Now take Rommel. I ask you, why is it that when he wants his tanks and things, he merely telephones and they are at his back door? What happens to us?"

"Well, dear, the map would show . . ."

"We give our guns and hand grenades a joy-ride half round the world. It's obvious to the meanest intelligence that Rommel is much nippier than us."

"But, dear, if you would just glance at the map you . . ."

"Maps always deceive one. They are most misleading. So stupid to concertina the world into one page. I will never forget the time I decided to go to Loch Lomond for the day. I now ignore them. But to return to Rommel. Ellen's George told her, quite hush- hush, that before Rommel accepted Hitler's offer to go to Libya, he rented a room in Berlin. It was very small and very stuffy. He locked himself in, alone, with a thousand flies. Also a great deal of sand, waist high. He sat there for five days. It did the trick."

" What trick, dear? "

"Well, he doesn't mind now. He walks through the desert as if it wasn't there. Did you know our Generals wear glasses and sun helmets? Shows the difference."

"But, dear, our Generals are expert in desert warfare, if only . . ."

"Rommel is much better looking. Did you see his latest photo- graph in the Daily World? Taken in ACTION. Standing on top of the tank he was, not inside like us."

"A map, dear, would show you how long it takes . . ."

"We must hurry up, that's all. Why don't we fly the bombers out in leaps and bounds, and send the bombs by ship? Or take an aerodrome somewhere and ferry tanks and things over in gliders? Rommel would. You arc at the Air Ministry, dear, why don't you do something about it. You want a woman to run this War. Get something done then. Oh! It makes me so angry."

"Yes, dear."

"Do you know the main rules of Tank Warfare? Of course you don't. Nor do our Generals. I do. So does Rommel. First, at all cost avoid ' Splitting ' a tank during operation. Secondly, if your tank ' Splits ' and gets loose, STOP, re-group and tighten it. When tight, proceed with all fire-power blazing. Last of all, never engage the enemy without having tested where they are first. Find out how deep they are hiding. This is called 'Arrangement in depth.' You have to be very careful of this, otherwise your victory will be swallowed up by a movable opposition, which is VERY indefinite, see?"

"I see, dear."

"Now, Rommel . . ."

"Would you like me to ask Rommel to all the women in England think like you, he is so good looking, he . . ."

"Well, good looks are most important. Tell me, why do you think hundreds and thousands of women in Russia snatch a gun and throw themselves flat on their faces?"

"For Russia perhaps, dear."

"No, Timoshenko. I am tired of things going wrong. Now take the Japanese. Ellen's George says they tie themselves to their torpedoes. They crash through everything. Our torpedoes are lucky if they go through anything. And what about our Air-Borne Troops? Such a pretty expression that. One pictures them being blown like leaves towards Germany. Actually they seem to stand in groups and purple berets at all the important railway 'stations. Tough, fine-looking men longing to be borne in the air. Why aren't they borne? Can you tell me that? I repeat, dear, if the Air Ministry thought at all, they would bear them in parachutes over the Channel. A good push this side, they ought to make it nicely. After all, they have parachutes, so why not use them?"

"Quite so, dear." change sides, dear? If it is essential. Besides "Now to return to the desert. The Germans keep Rommel there.

What do we do? For no apparent reason, Ironside, Roger Keyes, Ritchingham, Joad and lots of others come and go like a No.9'bus. Why? I feel most strongly that Lord WooIton should make one of them stay."

" Lord . . . ? "

"Don't interrupt, dear. Listen. 'Where are all our tanks? Last week the Lady Mayoress of Little Wickham rode through the streets in a Beaverbrook. Why? Did the War Office forget it? Who packed the last tanks for Libya? He must have missed it. He should be executed"

'You are quite right, of course, dear, but . . ."

"And why should Rommel have all the eighty-eight-inch guns? Answer me that" "You mean the eighty . . ."

"I know what you're going to say. NEXT year we will have an 'eighty-nine.' By then, of course, Rommel will have got hundred-inch one. It all proves my point. We must be nippier. One minute! I haven't finished yet. Where are you going?"

"To Libya, my dear. To Libya."