Time Off

Souvenir of Clarkson's

Macdonald Hastings

" Nora has a wonderful notion. Why don't we all go on a long weekend holiday with Clarkson's to Dubrovnik? Under e30 for a four-day Package tour. How they do it for the price I Just don't know. Frank and Crokey are coming. We can take two of the small children. It should be tremendous fun."

" Well, we've never been to Dubrovnik. What's the date of the tour? "

" Friday,April 13. We take off at 14.25 hours from Luton. So you'll come?"

" Here we are, in plenty of time to check in our bags and have a drink. After all the brochure says: Your holiday begins at West London Airport." "They say we can't check in our bags yet. There's nowhere to put them." Does this imply the usual delay in takeoff?"

" It's on the departure board that ETD for our flight is 20,22 hours." " That must be wrong."

" It isn't. The charter plane hasn't turned up," " Why? "

" Nobody seems to know. Exasperated passengers are already organising a petition of complaint. They'll ask us for our signatures."

"What are we expected to do during, the next estimated nine hours? We can't sit in this Place. It's packed like the Black Hole of Calcutta."

" The tour operators say that they have ar-, ranged that we can spend 30p on light refreshments. We can't have a drink because the bar has shut already. At six o'clock there Will be a coach to take us to dinner, with Clarkson's compliments, at the Moat House, Luton."

"They've just told us that Court Airlines aren't going to fly us at all. It's going to be a Jugoslav aircraft."

"Are they safe? "

"We're taking off at about 23.00 hours, call it midnight, and our ETA is about 3 in the morning. We won't get drinks served in the Plane, but we might get duty free bottles."

"So at last you've arrived. My name is Victor. And, on behalf of Clarkson's, welcome to a wonderful weekend in romantic Dubrovnik. We were expecting you earlier this evening, I mean yesterday. But now you are all aboard the coach, we expect to arrive at your hotel, the Astarea, in about fifteen minutes. We didn't know if you had had anything to eat, so we have a packaged meal waiting for you at reception. Let me know if any of you don't receive your carton. I am sure you are all Very tired tonight, or I should say this morn ing. For those of you who don't want to go to bed there is a Casino at the hotel, run by the Mafiosi, which operates almost until breakfast time. There are two restaurants, dancing and discotheque, sauna baths for mixed sexes, and a shopping centre. I advise you to buy your wines in the shop by the pool. Wines are far cheaper there than in the hotel. I will be available to give you all the advice you require. Just ask and we will tell you what excursions have been arranged, and the price. When you have had a good night's rest, there is one tomorrow at 2 p.m. to Dubrovnik, escorted by a guide."

" I thought we were here, Victor."

"Only fifteen kilometres to Dubrovnik."

"Thank God we got some whisky on the plane. Let's start the party in one of our bedrooms tonight. We can sleep till lunch, and then have a first look at the walled city. Lucky the children have stood up so well: When they wake up they can both go to the swimming pool to refresh themselves."

"The swimming pool is empty. They're changing the water." "Does Victor know?"

"Victor says that it will be too cold to swim in until Monday."

"But that's the day we leave."

"Let's go to Dubrovnik now. The children won't like the historical stuff."

"There's a marine aquarium which ought to be good." "There's also one of the oldest pharmacies in Europe. The trouble is that it's shut until Monday."

"We all sat at separate tables today and they wouldn't change it, they said, until dinner time, when a new Commissar comes on. We've got to organise that tonight. There's a gala dinner." "I hope they serve Adriatic prawns, and fresh sardines."

"If they don't, 1 have got my flask to drown your sorrows."

"What on earth are we going to do with the children? They can't go into the swimming pool. There's only a foot of cold seawater in it."

"I'll give them a few dinars to work the fruit machines. Meanwhile, we'll have a couple of bottles of GRK." "They've run out of 'gurk'. They say we've drunk it all."

"Oh God, our youngest says she's bust the fruit machine."

"She hasn't. She's won the jackpot." "That's one bit of luck."

"Then we won't give the Mafiosi a chance to win it back. Let's look forward after an early night to the day after tomorrow." "Are you four going into the mountains in this weather? You won't see anything. It's going to rain all day." "Let's hire a minibus on Monday and explore Dubrovnik in our own way. We could look for the fish market, and buy prawns and fresh sardines." • "All the fish, they say, are bought by the hotels."

"This one hasn't got any." "What do you expect for thirty pounds?" "Then let's have a binge. We could go to that fish restaurant in the old town and the oyster bar in the free market, where they sell those sweet little oysters for six bob a dozen."

"I'll see Victor about the minibus."

"Victor says that the minibus will cost the earth. He recommends that we travel on public transport which is just as comfortable. He says that the regular bus will pass by at the top ot the hill at 9.30." "I've talked to a native who is resigned to wait for the bus at the top of the hill until 10.10."

"He may be wrong. We had better go up at the time Victor said."

" Is this the bus at last? There isn't room in It for a sardine; and we are seven adults and two children."

"The answer is to push, or we won't get a bus for another hour or two. The driver doesn't seem to mind."

" Oh God, will this journey ever end? I'm tied up with cramp. I must get some quinine in Dubrovnik at the oldest pharmacy in Europe. You're a doctor, Noel. You're a pharmacist, Frank. One of you ought to do something about it. They used to call quinine Jesuit's bark. They've got a Jesuit church in the town, so they've probably got it."

"It's no good, Mac, they've never heard of it."

" Then let's go after the oysters, they might help."

" Harriet wants to have a ride on a boat. She says that she's seen the aquarium, and she and Jane want a ride round the harbour in a boat."

"Time for me to drink another bottle." "Will you go back to the hotel in the motor boat?"

"Anything to avoid that bus again." "We're leaving tonight, aren't we?"

"Yes, the plane takes off between two and three in the morning. We have to vacate our rooms at seven."

"What are we doing in the meantime?" "I thought I'd have a few fictional bets on Black Jack."

" Better that way. None of us will hit the jackpot again."

"Well, Court Line are taking us home this time. The stewardess says that drinks will be available."

"Well, we're taking off only an hour late. The captain thinks there are too many of us. He's asked, are we sure that we're all going to Luton?"

"At Luton we are going to get cheques of £5 for each of us for the inconvenience we have been caused."

"No, they look like cheques; but they are vouchers. What they say is that when we go on our next Clarkson holiday, we are entitled to a credit of £5."

"I wonder what the new owners, Court Line, will say about that?"