No. 518: The winners Trevor.Grove reports: Competitors were faced with
a rather complicated task this week, sug- gestive of the worst excesses of postal courses in journalism and the like—namely, given an alter- native pair of unwieldly and unlikely headlines, to write a brief newspaper story culminating in one of the least plausible of the Pope's recent statements: 'I want cordially to shake hands with you, and render honour to your name and your obscure service'—this to pious gather- ing of dustmen from Florence. But whether dustmen are or are not obscure in Florence, SPECTATOR readers, understandably in the light of our own blatant methods of rubbish collec- tion, found this particular epithet less easy to employ. Nevertheless, there were some good attempts—for instance from J. R. V. White, who wins three guineas:
A HUNTING BISHOP'S BLOOD LUST SETS OFF A STORM
Jeering demonstrators gathered outside With- ington St. Mary's today at the conclusion of the first diocesan church-mouse hunt. Yells greeted the Bishop's granddaughter as she emerged blooded from the porch. In the uproar the whipper-in (the Bishop's chaplain) lost control of the dwarf-beagles, and further disturbances broke out when the pack drew on Lady Kyd- lington's grave and pursued a shrew, killing just before the lych gate.
Speaking from the War Memorial the Bishop said: 'Church-mice must be controlled. Traps and poisons are cruel, and these animals obvi- ously enjoy being hunted. Rumours about bag- mice are untrue. Fortunately the killjoys who peppered the nave and put aniseed in the vestry wasted their time.' Turning to the Ver-
ger, he added : 'As earth-stopper, yon have done more for this day's sport than anyone else. I want cordially to shake hands with you, and render honour to your name and your obscure service.'
Choosing the same headline, R. G. Hillier also proved himself a prodigious news hound and wins three guineas; here is his opening paragraph:
Thomas Dogtooth, Bishop of Slaughter, was notorious throughout the County for his devo- tion to the Chase. His pastoral duties were grievously neglected when the lure of the hunt stirred his portly frame to prodigious exertions in pursuit of fox, hare and otter (or even rat). His Lordship presided with fierce delight over the Society for the Propagation of Blood Sports, and often his pen, in Diocesan News, flayed the more humane, feeble members of his flock. His sermons proclaimed hunting as a manifestation of the Divine Will. Prayers included urgent requests for 'no frosts or foot-and-mouth disease.'
Regrettably the other headline—GHOST'S
MAGIC FACTORIES HOLD UP AN ISLAND HUNT FOR WEALTH—attracted no very outstanding entries, though honourable mentions to Edward Samson and Dorothy Brown.
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