Low life
Looking up
Jeffrey Bernard
Readers of this column must well imagine my. delight when I read in Wednesday's Daily Telegraph, 'Swiss bank accounts and gold bars available to all'. The news came as a tremendous relief. Superbly as the Lam bourn branch of Barclays have been dealing with my vast account for the past 18 months, it has been a source of constant irritation to me that I haven't been able to settle my William Hill account with a Geneva cheque. Actually, I think things are looking up all round. Only the other day one of the dirtY bookshop boys in Old Compton Street lifted his glass of revolting Pils to his lips, said, 'Cheers!' and then went on to give rue a load of good advice on the subject of economics. tell you one thing Jeff, never ever have more than £80,000 in your current account at one time.' I pondered on this for a moment, allowing it to sink in to my irreparably damaged brain, and said. 'Thanks John, I'll see that I don't.' Mind you, it could be tricky. I shall have to stop doing the football pools and somehow I shall have to contrive to back losers, but I'm sure I'll swing it. After all, I've been keeping down appearances for years, spending water like money so I'm sure I can prevent myself from breaking the £80,000 barrier.
It's not so easy for some though. There are those people who simply can't help making money. Take my kind host of last Saturday at Kempton Park, Tony Stratton-Smith, the boss of Charisma Records. He only has to raise an eyebrow and you can hear the cash tills ringing all over England. Can you imagine being able to make money out of something so appallingly wretched and banal as what is called 'pop' music? It's incredible, but I suppose it must be a marvellous investment. An investment that I've never made though and one that could have landed me in trouble by making it possible for me to have had over £80,000 in my current account is to have lent money to a ponce. Let me explain. Dirty bookshop John was telling me how the Maltese got established in the West End. (They own junks of property in Soho now), 'Billy Hill always used to say, I'll always lend a ponce a hundred quid, but not a thief. A thief has to go out and earn it to pay you back. If he gets nicked you don't see your money again. But lend a ponce a hundred quid and all he has to do is go and fish for it underneath some bird's pillow.' Needless to say,! didn't get where I am today by poncing or feeling in sympathy with such dreadful philosophies but it is nice to know such practical chaps as dirty bookshop John. The Telegraph's good news about the lifting of exchange controls is all very well but these people only tell you about the Ideologies of these things and never what it all actually means to you and me. Of course, I suppose I shouldn't really be addressing you in this manner since I know that all Spectator readers are absolutely loaded with money and living off the interest therein so please just regard this as the ramblings of a man who can't pull his socks up if he hasn't got any. Dirty bookshop Bill, on the other hand, will keep telling me, 'What is it? It's only Pieces of paper, isn't it?' Well yes, I suppose It is. In that case why on earth does it matter Whether they're Swiss or Irish? No the news means very little to me. Only that I can now use gold bars for door jambs, paper weights and for keeping a crease in my trousers if and when, God willing, someone pulls them off. Which reminds ,me. Dirty bookshop Torn introduced me to a man in a club last night who asked me if I'd like to come to a 'sex party' that he's giving. I was really rather shocked. I seem to be in the gutter these days and instead of looking up at the stars I'm gazing down the drain. It's time I changed acquaintances. Charles Benson hit the nail on the head when he told me the Other day at the Newmarket Sales, 'Keep yourself in the best company and your horses in the worst.' I must introduce dirty bookshop John, Bill and Tom to a horse.
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