No. 1243: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Competitors were invited to supply a newspaper report filling in the story behind one of two headlines: 'VAGUE'
VICAR QUITS AFTER COMPLAINTS OF MAYORESS STRIPS OFF AT TORY SOCIAL NIGHT.
You are rarely at your best when I challenge you to outfantasticate reality, but perhaps that is as much a compliment to ever-inventive life as a disparagement of your imaginations. Your vicars, absent in mind, put on the wrong vestments, and your mayoresses, present in body, took off theirs, yet although you worked hard at the bellows of humour few produced more than sparks here and there. The actual mayoress in question, Mrs Pauline Duval of Lichfield, 'believed to be in her thirties', who didn't shed her bra and pants (nor, I assume, her gigantic spectacles) at a 'Bavarian' evening in a village hall, dismiss- ed her critics as 'pathetic', though Labour Councillor Ted Ashley doggedly argued that it was 'not the sort of behaviour one expects from civic leaders'. As for the Revd Timothy Blofield of Smallbridge, who was alleged to have 'sent for a mechanic to repair the church lawn-mower when it ran out of petrol' and 'gone to a Methodist church as a member of the congregation when he should have been at his own church' — well, he strikes me as purposive rather than vague.
This week the winners (the appropriately named S. Parsons would have been among them if the entry hadn't been in verse) number only four, each of whom deserves £10, even if two had cunningly to play up on the word 'vague'. The bonus bottle of Pedro Domecq's Carlos III Selected Brandy belongs to George Moor.
Petite brunette Mrs Juniper has lashed back at critics claiming she has offended Hellstone ratepayers.
'It's what Conservatism is about,' she told me. 'Caring. I could never stand by and watch ,a duck or whale drown. Some people don't realise, but they can drown just like us.'
Seeing a baby whale in difficulties, Mrs Juniper, despite being about to respond to the loyal toast, dove into the raging winter sea, haul- ed a young whale to a rock and administered the kiss of life.
'I was too intent to notice the cold. The whale was quite small. Besides, my husband plays rug- ger,' said Mrs Juniper. 'I am a regular church- goer and committed Christian. I would do it again.' (George Moor) The fast-growing Nouvelle Vague of churchmen here received a bitter reverse last night, following the resignation of their founder and inspirational leader Pere Lachaise.
By office the local vicar of Les Halles district, he epitomised the movement's aim of increased gaiety among the clergy. Carrying his ministry to public places, and wearing what has almost become the group uniform — green carnation, fur-tipped cassock, and blue suede shoes — he rapidly developed a large cult following, but only at the cost of alienating many of his parishioners.
At a stormy meeting with them yesterday, he was told they accepted his eccentricity, but liked their religion straight. • As he put it afterwards, 'If I hadn't resigned I'd have been butchered.' (A. J. F. McFeat) In a sensational development of the row surrounding the rector of St Swithin's, Lower Plumpton, local folk were last night informed
that their priest had handed in his notice. illt Reverend Arthur Collins has come in for shailled criticism in recent weeks, after he told a suillui. congregation he was 'vaguely interested in thS.,1 ble'. Interviewed on local radio, he explairieuqc am not too sure how to put this, but the is may have something to do with God, and lied probably a book I should read more of.' the how much he had read, he announced thar,'II had become rather bogged down in Leviticus. hr is pretty vague stuff, I think,' he added. But co, Id 'see some relevance in the earlier book) The Secretary of the Victori(aBeAllsesoRc.iatioeniiiligfeerd Greater Understanding and Empathy blasted critics at a press conference today. 'VAGUE's aims have been wilfully illisikt,ere preted,' said the Revd Ron Gonad. 'We been solely concerned with spiritual welfare, aid it is quite untrue that we were running a eati-gli network for pro tofit.' say that he had been unable t°( reply to accusations before because a series "al minor illnesses had confined him to bed' 234 now I'm fighting fit,' added Ron, 'and no who have spread a lot of dingo's kidneys ah°
me
Ithad wasbetter later learned that the houses of sever watch out.' of VAGUE's leading opponents had been hurrini. down, with heavy loss of life. Asked to ee ment, us Rognaiwtsould only say, 'I consider tb State police are investigating. ,„vies)
(Basil Ransom
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