Westminster Corridors
There is nothing so scandalous to a Government, so Mr Harold Wilson tells me, as defamatory Papers and Pamphlets. Equally, he concedes, there is nothing so difficult to tame as a Tory Author (for that, he believes, is what we all are).
It is his proposal, therefore, to oblige every Person that writes a Paper to swear himself the Author of and enter down in a Publick Register his Name and Place of Abode. The Keeper of the Register is to be none other than the chief bellower and prancer of the Ruffian Party Mr Dennis Skinner of Bolsover.
Now as I explained to the Prime Minister, this would effectually suppress all printed Scandal, which generally appears under borrowed names, or, in some disreputable journals, under none at all. Indeed, such an expedient would destroy not only Scandal but Learning as well ar,J I would remind Mr Wilson, obsessed as he is by the idea that the Press opposes him, that there are few Works of Genius that come out at first with the Author's Name. Not that Works of Genius interest MrSkinner.Someunkindsoulssaythathe cannot even read and claim that it was for this reason that he failed something known as "a driving test."
He was required, the rumour goes, to read at a distance of twenty-five paces, the number plate on the driving instructor's carriage. This, it is alleged, he was unable to do. When asked by the examiner if he Wished to wear his spectacles and try again, Mr Skinner said: "L" (referring to the inferno and not to the plate bearing the red letter that was mounted fore and aft of the hack), "I don't need no specs. My sight's perfect."
Be all that as it may, it is indeed a fact that Mr Skinner does not drive. It is for this reason that he so vehemently opposes the perfectly reasonable proposal for an increase in 'allowances for Members of the Club so that their emoluments • can keep pace with inflation.
At a private meeting the other night he ranted and raved about his colleagues driving expen sive carriages up and down the motorways and staying at the best hotels in London. "It is all very well for Den" (of come down Danial fame), said an irate Member, "he stays at Maritime House and never buys a round at the Club." This last piece of information interested me uncommonly. My friend Sir Juniper Berry, RN, who knows about boats and things and is rumoured even to have sailed across the Atlantic, • tells me that Maritime House is a benevolent institution for sailors who have fallen upon hard times. Now it is no part of the Skinner folklore that he was ever a sailor.
Or is he? Sir Simon d'Audley, Captain Freepen, Sir Juniper and I mulled over this question as we took a glass of October at the Club. "You never know,' observed Freepen, "your best friend might be one." At which point Sir Jocelyn Gaybrace entered and I gave him a very searching look and resolved to be seen less at Covent Garden with him, at least for the time being.
All this talk of sailors reminds me of Mr Edward Heath who gave his captain's pep talk to the Members of Tory House, last week. His message was practice your knots, chaps, and be ready to pull hard on the mainsheets. It went quite unremarked that, discussinghis next Adm in stration's economic policy, Mr Heath said: "We must have humility in making our judgements." Humility, I can tell, my readers, is just another word for U-turns. Leaving aside lame ducks and other old canards, let me place on record the recent facts. Not many days ago, Mr Heath declared (his hand on his heart) that the Tories would have to realise that the Industrial Rela
tions Act was A BAD THING. Then he announced in private that (in the present state of
the economy) a statutory prices and incomes policy was the ONLY SORT THAT COULD WORK.
Now we are to "nave a humble (nee Ruffian) economic policy. My friends in the City (to name but Mr Peter Walker) say that Industry is fed up with Mr Heath and his team and it is no good the former Prime Minister trying to blame poor Mr Walker for alienating Big Business. Like all good messenger boys, Mr Walker insists, he only did what he was told. There are those who wish that Mr Heath would do what he was told by Lord Alport and resign.
Tom Puzzle
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