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COMPETITION

Ruthless rhymes

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1979 you were invited to write verses in the style of Harry Graham of 'Ruthless Rhymes' fame.

Here's my favourite Graham:

`There's been an accident,' they said, `Your servant's cut in half — he's dead!' `Indeed!' said Mr Jones, 'and please Send me the half that's got my keys.'

To be both cruel and funny takes taste, nerve and skill, qualities well displayed in a huge entry. The prizewinners, printed below, are awarded f15 per person, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Ray Kelley.

When my uncle threw young Billy From the thirty-second floor To the street below, Aunt Millie Murmured, 'Harry dear, what for?' He then gave this explanation: `For a lifetime I have waited To make use in conversation

Of the word defenestrated.' (Ray Kelley)

The loving spouse of Mrs Miller Settled down to read a thriller Upon a disused railway track, Or so he thought till with his back He slowed the 14.23 (The down train leaving Daventry). The driver's mate, who helped to run it, Said, 'Bet he didn't know whodunit.' 'So like my Bert,' the wife opines. `He failed to read between the lines.'

So ended the unkindly rumour That claimed she had no sense of humour.

(B.J. Kennedy) My youngest son ran off from Nurse And cut his throat on my new razor. He bled to death and, what was worse, Quite ruined my best Henley blazer.

(Geoffrey Riley) One fine morning, Captain Barratt Went to town and bought a parrot. Soon, like him, his feathered chum Acquired a taste for gin and rum. Alas, this friendship rich and rare Lasted barely half a year: Polly yielded to cirrhosis; The Captain died of psittacosis. (Ron Rubin) When the kitchen stove exploded Tommy instantly expired. 'Is the system overloaded?'

Mother anxiously inquired.

Father said, 'It's quite outmoded: We shall have to be rewired.'

(Mary Holtby) Inheriting a tidy sum Jerome became a Name at Lloyd's, Not knowing then how fate would come To turn his pile to haemorrhoids.

His house was sold, his wife walked out, He suffered pains too hard to mention, But of one thing he had no doubt The safety of his Maxwell pension.

With all hope lost of recompense He spent a year or two retired, And then, by neat coincidence, He and his credit card expired.

(W.J. Webster) Sweet and good, our godchild Fay Burned to death last Ember Day: Butter in that mouth demure Must be melting now, for sure.

(Godfrey Bullard) Little Christopher, in Monday's Wash, got shrunk with all my undies.

Soon a sale ad will appear: 'Baby Kit — Reduced to Clear'.

(Godfrey Bullard) Aunt Florence, when she came to stay, Felt endlessly obliged to say, 'A liberal regime's quite absurd: All children should be seen, not heard.' And then, in language most uncouth, She'd castigate degenerate youth; Until one day (no doubt disgusted) Flo quite spontaneously combusted. The family felt a wild elation,

Competition entries

To enable competitors to economise on postage, entries for one or more weeks of the competition and/or crossword may be posted together under one cover addressed 'Competition Entries' provided each crossword entry is enclosed in a sepa- rate marked envelope.

Thus spared the cost of her cremation, While Tracy, with a touch of spleen,

Said, 'Now Aunt's neither heard nor seen.'

(Watson Weeks) When Bill and Benjie took the shears And cut off little Millie's ears Their mother cried, 'You silly asses!

Now how will Mildred wear her glasses?'

(Michael Lee) Annie walked the tightrope high As a means of self-expression.

A shame she bad to slip and die.

Still, she made a deep impression.

(Michael Lee)

No. 1982: A few royal minutes

You are invited to supply an amusing con- versation, resulting from a chance meeting, between a famous author and the monarch of their day. Maximum 150 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 1982' by 8 May.