DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY I knew it! It’s always something to do with the Bullingdon. A note arrived this morning from Mr Rothschild, marked Attention Gideon: ‘That’ll teach you for rolling me down a hill in a Portaloo.’ Not sure I should give it to him, he’s already in a foul mood. There’s been a terrible to-do between him and Dave, according to Jenny, who was listening through the wall using one of Gary’s funny earpieces. Dave demanded to know whether there was anything else Gids should tell him about his Greek holiday. ‘Did you and Fran go snorkelling with Osama bin Laden by any chance?’ Jenny says he’s just jealous that Gids has more rich friends than him now. Personally, I think we could stop all this if we told the truth. What if Gids and Mr F did go aboard the Queen K for a lapdancing and tsatsiki weekend because they were fed up with their substandard four-star villas? Surely that would be better than the current allegations? Jed says not, but if you ask me I think we’re going to have to release the photos of them getting a speciality massage in the on-board spa before this whole thing gets out of hand.
TUESDAY Gary has put a big map of Corfu up on the wall. It’s got little pins and flags stuck on it at various locations where key events are meant to have happened. I don’t know how this is going to help but it certainly brightens up the office which has been looking a bit dull since Jed’s blue skies brainstorming board and gumball dispenser were taken away as a mark of respect to the downturn. Strange phone call from Bev at Labour: ‘Take this as a warning. Tell Georgie boy that if he messes with the Guv’nor again he’ll eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.’ I said I didn’t think Gids would be frightened by such nonsense. Anyway, the conversation made up my mind on one issue. Have decided to turn down Gordon’s offer of ‘Head of Ambience Management’ at Number 10. I don’t think I want anything to do with creating the right ambience for people who eat liver.
WEDNESDAY Why can’t Mr Hague just get on with telling his funny jokes and never mind about who’s getting Gids’s job after the election? But oh no, he has to start making speeches on the economy. So inappropriate. No wonder the Royal Society of Orthodontists complained that they didn’t get their money’s worth. As they said in their letter, they thought they’d booked a professional entertainer for their Annual Dinner and Tombola but all they got was a long boring speech about cutting public debt. And a lot of humming. To make matters worse, Mr Redwood is now calling himself the Shadow Shadow Chancellor. Nanu Nanu Chancellor, more like.
THURSDAY Memo from Jed in California insisting that business must continue as usual, despite the Greek Tragedy. So we’re going ahead with our planned seminar on ‘Attacking Gordon in a Downturn’. Lord A’s focus groups are turning up some really alarming stuff about Dave’s cheerfulness. We’ve got to get him looking grumpy. Sherwood, our lifestyle and wellbeing guru, says a course of valerian root should do the trick. Gary reckons that if this Greek business goes on much longer it could permanently wipe the smile off all our faces. Which may mean Gids has done us a good turn after all!
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