COMPETITION

Spock in reverse

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1566 you were asked for an extract from a book of advice to worried children as to how to deal with parents (or a parent) during a difficult phase.

Perhaps this competition would have best been judged by a teenager, but I hadn't got one handy, and even if I had, my bribe/wage might have been considered derisory. Most advice was of the cynical sort that the young profit most by. 'Final- ly,' R. J. Pickles concluded, 'make friends with your prospective stepmother.' John Sweetman counselled: 'Good results can be obtained by keeping a diary and leaving it where it can be read (parents often think they have a "right" to read such things), with some suitable comments.' Russell Lucas was strictly practical: `Solutions: Develop a fever. This can be done by putting an onion under each arm and standing in a heated greenhouse for several hours.' And I enjoyed John McRitchie's brutal tips as to how to prevent the embarrassment of your dad watching you play for the school team.

The prizewinners printed below get 13 each, and the bonus bottle of Rioja 1973 Gran Zaco Reserva, presented by Becket Drake Ferrier Moseley, 57-59 Neal St, London WC2, goes to C.M. Grosett.

In the early chapters of this book I dealt with your parents' problems as seen from your cot. You might have expected things would become easier with age, but now with your parents in their forties you will realise this is not the case. They will, in all probability, be living beyond their means, so you must be tolerant of quarrels arising from one or other parent overspending. Try to accept their drinking as socially beneficial and generally life-enhancing. Pouring whisky down the sink is counter-productive.

You must not judge your parents' sexual proclivities from the point of view of a ten-year

old. Do not be distressed if you and Daddy share equally the affections of your nanny. Nor must you annoy Mummy by refusing to call the nice gentleman who takes her to Paris 'Uncle'. She needs reassurance and understanding; hut not too much of the latter. (C. M. Grosett) Your parents are at their most worrying when they are worrying about you. There is no cure for this condition, but living with it is much easier if you understand the subtext.

The demand: 'What time do you call this?' indicates that the parental imagination has been working overtime, visualising you as being robbed, raped and murdered during the few minutes' difference between the hour set for your return and the time of your arrival.

You treat this house like a hotel' may mean: 'We think you're burning the candle at both ends and we want to know who's lighting the matches.' However, this comment can also .be taken as a literal hint that it is time you tidied your bedroom.

'Don't you have any friends to go out with?' This question indicates a fear that you may be sn unattractive as to be still underfoot when you are fifty. (Jeanne Fielder)

Male parent hanging around the house all day, apparently aimlessly. This at first puzzling phe- nomenon can occur quite spontaneously even With apparently placid, well-balanced fathers. Unless you live in Liverpool or the North-East (where this state of affairs may well appear normal), what is probably happening is that Dad, desperate to demonstrate independence, has decided to work for himself from home. This is a big step for any parent and you will notice other behavioural changes: an unaccustomed keenness to answer the telephone befole Mum (although this can have other causes, see section 35 Women, Other); extreme irritation at finding potties in the hall; the introduction of deferred payment schemes for pocket-money. Generally, It is best to let this phase run its course, though you may find that delicate verbal insinuations, e.g.. 'What's happened to the nice car?' will Speed the process satisfactorily.

(J. C. H. Mounsey) As your mummy grows older you may find that she spends an awful lot of time peering into mirrors and making curious moaning or tut- tutting noises. This behaviour is often brought on by the realisation that youth is slipping away, and is closely allied to the Mid-Life Crisis (see Chapter 7). You could help alleviate your mummy's mis- ery by telling her that your friend from school asked if she was your sister. If you ask her if you could borrow some item of clothing from her it will make her feel as though she's 'with it', as she would say.

You could also help her by allowing her time to pamper herself a little. Don't interrupt her while she is trying to pluck her eyebrows or draw on her eye-liner. If she's dressed up to go out tell her she looks beautiful. (Daddies sometimes forget to do this.) The period between 6 p.m. and 7.30 p.m. is critical for most parents. Blood sugar is danger- ously low, and this may lead to an uncritical viewing of violent TV programmes such as BBC News, or a tendency to fall asleep in unhealthy postures. Most parenticians believe that nagging and playing noisy games are likely to be counter- productive, and advise more constructive strategies. Often it is simply a matter of needing a drink. A timely gin and tonic can work wonders with the teasy adult; and if Dad or Mum can be persuaded to read to you, this will offset the addictive lure of Wogan or Sue Lawley. Reading, however, must be carefully moni- tored. Fathers especially are prone to be devious and turn over several pages at once (a clinical (Katie Mallett)

condition known as Blytonella), while a pro- longed session with Janet and John can lead to severe depression and subsequent difficulties in facing reality.

(Watson Weeks) In these days when divorce and separation are so common, most children have only one parent to cope with. A child unfortunate enough to have two will have long realised that there are special problems involved, especially if they want to go out together, as this means they will have to provide you with a 'sitter' to serve your food, explain the difficult bits of the late-night movie, etc. It is important that they do not choose anyone with eccentric views, such as that one must cat cabbage, or go to bed at some unsuitable time, like nine o'clock. It is quite easy to ensure that such poor sitters do not return a second time. Remarks like 'That nice lady had such fun using your make-up last night' or 'The sitter did so enjoy your whisky, Daddy' are guaranteed to achieve the desired objective.

(E. 0. Parrott)